Keep on going....

Sometimes it's hard to keep going. I'm not sure there are any good reasons to honestly. I'm trying but oh so tired of it. 

....familiar

I'm desperately missing the familiar tonight.  I had always looked forward to the day I would be in a home I'd been in for years, having raised my children there.  It would be their childhood home, the one they'd come back to and bring their children to.  I didn't grow up with that and it was the one thing I wanted in life.  

Life can be cruel.  I was blindsided by divorce, never saw it coming.  I built a brick wall around me and lost myself for a year or possibly more online. Online friends, games.  Things to take my  mind off the fact that everything I ever knew or dreamed of was gone forever.  My life had changed dramatically yet again.

Fine.  I went on with life and found a wonderful and kind man.  Remarried.  My kids grew up, although difficultly.  I've changed, outlook and many of my interests.  However, I have a deep need  to be grounded.  I love trips and adventures but I always need to get home to be grounded and comfortable.  Too long away is hard on me.

I've been in Texas for over 13 years now.  My sister Sally came to visit me about 10 years ago.  My niece Lisa came to visit about 5 years ago.  My high school friend Sharon came to visit 8 years ago or so  That is it.  No one else has come to visit me.  13 years.  Pity party on my part, I know.  My life for the last 13 years has had only the familiar of my children.  Yet...they've grown up and gone off.  Not cool to hang out with mom and there's often irritation at me.  

The familiar is missing and it hurts.  This is a nice life, but not what i had imagined or dreamt of.  Sometimes I just need the familiar.  The smells, memories, shared laughter.  People.  My people are not around me and i don't see a time they will be.  They've not been to visit and that hurts.  I love my husband and my life.  I only wish that I wasn't so isolated and that my people might come visit some day.  But I don't hold any hope.  What makes it so much harder is that my husband has all his people near.  I'm the one that had to fit in. No one knows my people and my life and my past.  What I love.  What is cozy and familiar to me.  No shared memories from years ago.  

Sometimes life is so lonely and isolated even in a home with a man I love and in a metropolitan city.  Familiar.  I wish.