So cliche, "I have trust issues". I tend to trust people and then am stunned when I find that what they said wasn't the truth or that they were being conniving and devious. I know people do it, but I still have troubles wrapping my head around it. I want to trust.
But that deep trust of the one you truly love? As I get to that spot of trusting with everything I have, I'm finding that I kind of sabotage myself. I need to get past that. Yes, I've been hurt deeply, but c'mon, who hasn't? Is it fair to put what someone has done to you on someone else that has never done anything wrong to you? Intellectually I know the answer to that. However my girlie side is a pain in the butt sometimes.
Tonight Stacy made some comment and I couldn't remember saying what he was referring to or something like that.....and I made a sassy comment, "must be your other girlfriend". He said...."no other girlfriend" and of course, that is exactly what I wanted to hear. I like the reassurance, but why did I have to do it that way? As if insinuating I don't trust him? His comment to me was something along the line of "you have troubles trusting don't you? Do you think it comes out in your humor?" Ouch. And yes, and yes. Point goes to Stacy. Not that he was trying to stick it to me or score a point against me, but I simply mean.....I get it. Really get it. Thank you for your honesty and observations. Truth is what I need more than anything and you give that to me. Along with patience.
Am I digging or begging for more? Is it simply reassurance that I need (and yes, reading Mars/Venus, women do need that reassurance often). Why did I make that comment? I do NOT want to sabotage this cause I found a pretty damn amazing man and we have a lot going for us.
Insecurities that I need to get past. I'm 52 for christs sake, I found an amazing man at this stage of life, chances of doing that I believe are probably not super high, so why do I question it? I
I promise to be more secure in myself and simply love and enjoy life to the fullest with this man. You know what? This just came to me writing this. I've avoided the M word like the plague.....in fact, he had the idea that I wasn't really interested in marriage in my future. Nothing is further from the truth, I just don't want to seem overly eager or something I suppose. But bottom line is, I want the commitment marriage brings and then some. I don't want the option of divorce. I want this to be it. I want to promise to be vulnerable, honest and me. Call me when I'm giving attitude. I want it all pure. I will venture out and put my vulnerabilities out there. The "marriage penalty" is being explored.....marriage could put a financial hit on us in a few different ways. So who knows? If the promise, love etc is there what difference does it make? IDK for me it's always been the fairy tale. Can't explain well, but it just hit me that is part of it I suppose.
Regardless.....trust. My issue. NO MORE. I will not put anything that has been done to me in the past on you in any way, shape or form. There is nothing you have done that has broken my trust or even made me question it. In fact, my dear sweet man.....you have been so open and so pure and so sharing with your life, that I KNOW I have no reason to do anything but trust you. This is my open letter .... the ramblings inside my head ..... my thinking out loud to figure out WTH I'm really thinking.
So take THAT, trust issues of any sort.....jumping in feet first with no life preserver. Let me prove that I can trust and love like you've never seen.
....dang it Stacy you really make me think about stuff. xo
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