...uplifting...

I sometimes get in a funk and really for no reason.  I find myself just kind of without feeling, kind of down, but I can't attribute it to anything.  I feel sad and not sure why or what to do about it although I'm aware of it.  It lingers, kind of encapsulating me for a short period of time (few days).  I need to figure it out, challenge it and shake it off when it descends.  How to do this has been on my mind for a while.

Do I push my body til it screams?  Sometimes I think physical exertion is the basic need.  I wish I could run or walk like a demon but my feet won't let me for long.  But do I walk and push through it hard?  Then come back and lift whatever weights I can til I'm aching?  Wish I was a natural athlete and had tendencies to do this, but I can try.

I've been trying to read positive, mindful things.  Am I simply not bombarding myself with this stuff enough?  Or is that just too "light"?

I've not found any pattern to this, but now that I'm in one, I'm hyper-aware.  I find it hard to smile and laugh.  God I hate this.  Sometimes I think I just need life to stop and let me off the ride, give me a time out where I don't have the crunch to make money.  I want some time at home to do "stuff" like build chicken coops and dig in the dirt, plant fruit trees, organize the house, pound nails and paint walls.  I'm a bit tired of being responsible.  I want to enjoy more.

Maybe it's just time to take a sick day for mental healths sake.  I'm sure Stacy is aware and is just being too sweet not saying anything, but I'm aware that he's aware and tip-toeing.  These are the times I just want my Mommy.  .....tired of being a grown up.....

Later.....Found this article  about 10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard and thought it applied here a bit....more to think about.  One thing I want to do is plan something we really want to do, a trip.  And just GO FOR IT.  Perhaps more of a goal will help.  All I know is nothing can hurt and I need to consciously try things. 

Experience it all.....

Kim said something to me in our conversation the other day that has had me thinking.  We were talking about emotion and how people hold back in relationships sometimes, to lessen the hurt if it doesn't work.  Well she related a story where a man was like this his whole marriage, always held back because he wanted to lessen the hurt if something happened.  Guess what?  Something did happen, his wife died and it DID NOT lessen the hurt.  It was as intense as if he had lived with abundant joy, love and despair, as if he had let himself feel it all. 

Think about it.  I know I do it....hold back, wait.  WHY?????  I've decided not to be afraid of emotion, I want to experience it, all of it.  We never know when our last day will be or the last day of our loved one.  Make the most of every moment, live it and feel it.  No longer afraid of experiencing emotion.  I'm going for the gusto.