...uplifting...

I sometimes get in a funk and really for no reason.  I find myself just kind of without feeling, kind of down, but I can't attribute it to anything.  I feel sad and not sure why or what to do about it although I'm aware of it.  It lingers, kind of encapsulating me for a short period of time (few days).  I need to figure it out, challenge it and shake it off when it descends.  How to do this has been on my mind for a while.

Do I push my body til it screams?  Sometimes I think physical exertion is the basic need.  I wish I could run or walk like a demon but my feet won't let me for long.  But do I walk and push through it hard?  Then come back and lift whatever weights I can til I'm aching?  Wish I was a natural athlete and had tendencies to do this, but I can try.

I've been trying to read positive, mindful things.  Am I simply not bombarding myself with this stuff enough?  Or is that just too "light"?

I've not found any pattern to this, but now that I'm in one, I'm hyper-aware.  I find it hard to smile and laugh.  God I hate this.  Sometimes I think I just need life to stop and let me off the ride, give me a time out where I don't have the crunch to make money.  I want some time at home to do "stuff" like build chicken coops and dig in the dirt, plant fruit trees, organize the house, pound nails and paint walls.  I'm a bit tired of being responsible.  I want to enjoy more.

Maybe it's just time to take a sick day for mental healths sake.  I'm sure Stacy is aware and is just being too sweet not saying anything, but I'm aware that he's aware and tip-toeing.  These are the times I just want my Mommy.  .....tired of being a grown up.....

Later.....Found this article  about 10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard and thought it applied here a bit....more to think about.  One thing I want to do is plan something we really want to do, a trip.  And just GO FOR IT.  Perhaps more of a goal will help.  All I know is nothing can hurt and I need to consciously try things. 

...awkward...

So, today I found out that I'm the only librarian at Palo Alto College that didn't have to do a teaching presentation for a group as part of the interview process.  Somehow, I slipped through the cracks, otherwise I wouldn't have this job.  

How this came to light....I've been assigned to teach a class on web research, 10 days before the first class.  I am not proficient in the subject by any means.  I don't teach and have never taught anything like this.  I know absolutely nothing about power point nor have I ever opened it.  When I mentioned all this to one of the other librarians she just stared and said "what about your presentation before the group at your interview?"  I asked her what she was talking about.  That is how we discovered that I never really was interviewed.  Someone stepped in to fill a void and never even asked me a question and somehow I got through.  Part of my job is apparently teaching.  I told my co-worker that I hated school, never would have gone back for my masters except it would be paid for if I won a grant (and I did).  Total fluke and what I enjoy is public libraries, I'm no scholar.  I've felt a bit out of my element being there, kind of like I'm an imposter and now I know why.  

I have interviewed for a job at a public library and am in the second round of waiting.  I would love to get the job and get free from the college.  Just not the right fit for me and now everyone is aware of it too.  Just an odd vibe and now it makes sense.

....change of heart.....

Currently, I'm working two jobs, both are "temporary part time."  Exactly what you don't want to land when you are looking for a full time job with benefits.  However, I'm working and have moola coming in.  More fortunate than many.

One of the positions I'm in is a professional reference librarian at Palo Alto College in San Antonio.  As we start the new semester, the library has a series of classes to help the students learn and develop their research skills.  I was assigned to teach the class focusing on Web Research, how to conduct, find reliable sources and how to evaluate if the sources are indeed, reliable.

My first response was to remain very calm while inside I was thinking....the first class is 10 days away and I'm not an expert in this subject, I've never taught (other than "mouse 101 for seniors" as I call my intro to computers for senior citizens, a very very informal class).  I'm in line for a full time position at my other part time temp job so I automatically thought....I need that job so I can QUIT here!  I don't want to do this!

So.....here I am, Monday.  First day back at the job since I got the assignment due to bad weather days.  Really, really not a big deal after all.  In the past two hours I've helped a number of students and I've got my course outline done, am putting final touches on the pre- and post- tests and will finalize the evaluation form.  I'm actually looking forward to teaching it.  That kind of scares me in that there is something in there that totally enjoyed this mega-nerdy crap.  Guess I've been too intent for too many years avoiding being a nerd. And yet when I'm almost 50 I get my Master's Degree in Library Science and officially become a librarian? Nerdiest.  But cool still, right?  Please?  Give me that.....

....whine....

Feeling lonely. Very. Stacy's in Dallas visiting a friend. Due to weather I've had extra time off. When my kids talk to me it's to dump or cause of a missed curfew. Feeling useless and tired. Missing Liberty Hill and knowing everyone. Very out of sorts and uncertain as to my role in life right now. No FT job and feeling like every relationship I have is either fragile or unable to move forward.  Tired of the limbo. 

Bucket list of sorts....

Stacy has lived in San Antonio since 1979 if I remember right.  You know how it is when you live somewhere, you don't do the things the tourists do.  He hasn't EVER been to the Alamo and he's a native Texan.  Being the tourist type brain I am, I want to see and do all the things around here and explore.  So....we have an agreement.  Every weekend we are going to do "something".  Whether it's hunt out a new coffee shop, walk to the stores down the way, go to one of the many nearby museums or sites....  San Antonio, seventh largest city in the USA, there is plenty to do.  Most of those posts are going to be in my Vagabond blog, tab above.  That is the "Texas and beyond" blog.  But this week....

Last Friday night we went to Earl Abels, a local spot with food much better than I expected.  I guess it's a San Antonio institution and been around for ages.  Now this isn't the first time we've been here, but this time we actually accomplished one of the things we wanted....Stacy got his picture taken with the maitre d'.   Next time it's my turn.

He's a statue of sorts, by the way.  The maitre d', not Stacy.  

What I see....

I took a pic of Stacy I loved and apparently he wasn't crazy about, not sure why, but it's what I see when I look at him, and I like it. Decided to mess around with it and grunge it a bit. I'll see what he says when he views it again. But regardless....this is my Stacy. 

....running through my head.....

2013 just went way too fast and I've personally been very aware of the new year looming. 

The changes my life went through in 2013 had their roots in okcupid.com.  I had signed up for an online dating site hoping to meet someone but seriously doubting I ever would.  At the very end of 2012 I started chatting with Stacy Underwood....we had our first date on December 29 at the San Marcos Chili's and that started a ball rolling that hasn't stopped to this day.  Honestly, I don't plan on it ever stopping, I foresee a beautiful future ahead.

2013 brought an end to many eras in my life.  My tenure at the Liberty Hill Public Library was coming to an end, little did I know.  Hard thing to do/deal with but to gain the man I love, very worth it.  It honestly was time for me to move on, for both me and the library, we both had more growing to do.

The one and only house I'd purchased all by myself was sold in record time.  30 days from date of listing to date of handing over the keys.  

I moved.  Within Texas, but leaving my oldest daughter behind.  I want my children to never be restrained feeling they need to be near me.  I want them to fly their highest and reach their ultimate potential, following their dreams.  I've watched Becca become a beautiful young lady that I'm very proud of this past year and I know I have treasured the one trip she has already taken down to visit me (surprise arranged between she and Stacy) and am looking forward to another hopefully before the year is out.

I'm learning happy, content, peace.  I have a mate that is very honest with me that can talk frankly, watch me cry, and listen as my mind changes.  Still hard to admit how much I screw up but I can do it and realize I do it and that I am wrong.  He is the first man I've been able to be so vulnerable with.  He loves me in spite and because of my flaws.  We have a common goal, common pasts, and a desire to be positive, open to ideas, and live a healthy, upward lifestyle.

Not a bad spot to be at here at the end of 2013, looking 13 days forward to my one year anniversary of meeting Stacy face-to-face.  

And now the future looms.  I've moved into this almost 100 year old house that Stacy has owned for over 20 years and we are making it ours.  New configuration for Stacy to live in (yes walls in different places etc) so it's new and ours and isn't holding past memories (I'm trusting him when he says this).  

I'm in my element painting, configuring, fixing up.  We went and bought our first big purchase together the other day....a king sized bed.  Wednesday is delivery day and at this moment I've gotten a message from Stacy saying he's going to wash the sheets we've purchased for the bed so they are ready.  

Now that we've made it happily through this whirlwind of three months....or almost have, I'm starting to look to the future.  Not dwell and miss the now, but as in resolutions, which go through my head on a daily basis anyway.  To really ensconse myself in these things that are so calming and good for me....mindfulness, meditation, gratitude.  Living a life that is extremely healthy in all ways - emotionally, nutritionally and physically.  

We have joined Golds Gym to work our bodies, keeping them so that we can live the best quality of life as long as we can and enjoy each other.  Nutritionally , we need to go organic more and more for many reasons, mainly that the reality of Stacy's cancer ordeal is a constant reminder of what pesticides and non-organic can do.  So.....composting, gardening, growing as much of our own as we can...including egg laying chickens.  I also want to plant fruit trees.

Pursing classes in yoga, finding people that practice mindfulness and other zen traits.  Reading about it.  Living it with each other.  

The future looks sunny and delightful.  I have my partner by my side with similar goals and together we will pursue them, supporting each other along the way and I'm sure him dragging me along to keep up with him often.  Peace is in my soul.  

I love you my dear family and friends, people are all that matter, not things.  Accepting that takes you a long way.  Help me remember this and stay positive.