Do I push my body til it screams? Sometimes I think physical exertion is the basic need. I wish I could run or walk like a demon but my feet won't let me for long. But do I walk and push through it hard? Then come back and lift whatever weights I can til I'm aching? Wish I was a natural athlete and had tendencies to do this, but I can try.
I've been trying to read positive, mindful things. Am I simply not bombarding myself with this stuff enough? Or is that just too "light"?
I've not found any pattern to this, but now that I'm in one, I'm hyper-aware. I find it hard to smile and laugh. God I hate this. Sometimes I think I just need life to stop and let me off the ride, give me a time out where I don't have the crunch to make money. I want some time at home to do "stuff" like build chicken coops and dig in the dirt, plant fruit trees, organize the house, pound nails and paint walls. I'm a bit tired of being responsible. I want to enjoy more.
Maybe it's just time to take a sick day for mental healths sake. I'm sure Stacy is aware and is just being too sweet not saying anything, but I'm aware that he's aware and tip-toeing. These are the times I just want my Mommy. .....tired of being a grown up.....
Later.....Found this article about 10 Reasons to Stop Working So Hard and thought it applied here a bit....more to think about. One thing I want to do is plan something we really want to do, a trip. And just GO FOR IT. Perhaps more of a goal will help. All I know is nothing can hurt and I need to consciously try things.
