....running through my head.....

2013 just went way too fast and I've personally been very aware of the new year looming. 

The changes my life went through in 2013 had their roots in okcupid.com.  I had signed up for an online dating site hoping to meet someone but seriously doubting I ever would.  At the very end of 2012 I started chatting with Stacy Underwood....we had our first date on December 29 at the San Marcos Chili's and that started a ball rolling that hasn't stopped to this day.  Honestly, I don't plan on it ever stopping, I foresee a beautiful future ahead.

2013 brought an end to many eras in my life.  My tenure at the Liberty Hill Public Library was coming to an end, little did I know.  Hard thing to do/deal with but to gain the man I love, very worth it.  It honestly was time for me to move on, for both me and the library, we both had more growing to do.

The one and only house I'd purchased all by myself was sold in record time.  30 days from date of listing to date of handing over the keys.  

I moved.  Within Texas, but leaving my oldest daughter behind.  I want my children to never be restrained feeling they need to be near me.  I want them to fly their highest and reach their ultimate potential, following their dreams.  I've watched Becca become a beautiful young lady that I'm very proud of this past year and I know I have treasured the one trip she has already taken down to visit me (surprise arranged between she and Stacy) and am looking forward to another hopefully before the year is out.

I'm learning happy, content, peace.  I have a mate that is very honest with me that can talk frankly, watch me cry, and listen as my mind changes.  Still hard to admit how much I screw up but I can do it and realize I do it and that I am wrong.  He is the first man I've been able to be so vulnerable with.  He loves me in spite and because of my flaws.  We have a common goal, common pasts, and a desire to be positive, open to ideas, and live a healthy, upward lifestyle.

Not a bad spot to be at here at the end of 2013, looking 13 days forward to my one year anniversary of meeting Stacy face-to-face.  

And now the future looms.  I've moved into this almost 100 year old house that Stacy has owned for over 20 years and we are making it ours.  New configuration for Stacy to live in (yes walls in different places etc) so it's new and ours and isn't holding past memories (I'm trusting him when he says this).  

I'm in my element painting, configuring, fixing up.  We went and bought our first big purchase together the other day....a king sized bed.  Wednesday is delivery day and at this moment I've gotten a message from Stacy saying he's going to wash the sheets we've purchased for the bed so they are ready.  

Now that we've made it happily through this whirlwind of three months....or almost have, I'm starting to look to the future.  Not dwell and miss the now, but as in resolutions, which go through my head on a daily basis anyway.  To really ensconse myself in these things that are so calming and good for me....mindfulness, meditation, gratitude.  Living a life that is extremely healthy in all ways - emotionally, nutritionally and physically.  

We have joined Golds Gym to work our bodies, keeping them so that we can live the best quality of life as long as we can and enjoy each other.  Nutritionally , we need to go organic more and more for many reasons, mainly that the reality of Stacy's cancer ordeal is a constant reminder of what pesticides and non-organic can do.  So.....composting, gardening, growing as much of our own as we can...including egg laying chickens.  I also want to plant fruit trees.

Pursing classes in yoga, finding people that practice mindfulness and other zen traits.  Reading about it.  Living it with each other.  

The future looks sunny and delightful.  I have my partner by my side with similar goals and together we will pursue them, supporting each other along the way and I'm sure him dragging me along to keep up with him often.  Peace is in my soul.  

I love you my dear family and friends, people are all that matter, not things.  Accepting that takes you a long way.  Help me remember this and stay positive.

Here we grow again...

I can't believe how the changes keep coming.  I had just been riding the wave, the house sold and closed fast.  I'm completely moved to San Antonio (not that I'm organized or unpacked, but that will come.)

The latest changes I believe are going to be job related.  I got a call yesterday from the Leon Valley Human Resources Department about the Assistant Library Director job that I'd gotten wind of a while back.  Things kind of died on that front for a while so I'd written it off and was furiously applying with the City of San Antonio among other places as I need full time, not part time as I now have.

Out of the blue!  I guess that is the way it goes....the whole don't count your chickens, a watched pot, blah blah blah.  Good thing though.  Tuesday, December 3 I head to HR to talk about temporary employment to get me in asap and I've already sent my application for the Assistant Director in.  Once I'm in as temp, I'm a shoe in for the job it sounds.  Of course, I don't want to say that in case I jinx it.  But I feel this is where I'm supposed to go.  A public library, similar to what I came from, where my heart is.

I'm glad I've done the academia thing and learned this is not where my heart is.  It's with the people....all the people from toddlers to the seniors.  Teaching them, helping them find information, being part of their lives and hopefully enriching it.  I'm hoping my niche has opened up.

Breathe deeply....

My DVD player has progressively faster FAST FORWARD ability. I feel like someone has just pushed the 16xFF button. 

Everything is phenomenal but it demands lots, fast, and in multiple places. My house in the Austin area just received a full price offer. Yes, couple contingencies but nothing big. They want closing on November 22, less than three weeks out. Great, most of my stuff is out of the house anyway. Now it's logistics on mainly little things. Getting a couple pieces of furniture picked up that a friend is taking. Arranging some time off from San Antonio job so I can be in Austin on move day. Rent a storage unit cause we won't be ready to move into our new space quite. It's all fine, just not what I expected but the house sold...fast and at a great price. Guess shell shocked is what I am. 

So....I need to schedule in meditation time, hammock time, and learn to ask for help. 

Life is good!  We are now in the fast lane. 

It's a strange world....

Downtown San Antonio.  Halloween lasts a week on either side of the actual day.  This guy was just walking and I loved seeing him!

My Boys....two of them at least.....

I think these two have bonded.  Trey, my greyhound, has been with me for 7.5 years.  He's always loved men better than me or the girls but he's an awesome dog period.  Tonight, I was cooking dinner, Stacy fell asleep on the couch and Trey slipped up with him.  I happened to look over and a huge smile lit my face seeing this great site.  Trey has found his man.

When Stacy woke I asked if he knew Trey had been up with him snuggling for a long time.  Not a clue, thank goodness I took the picture.  Total cuteness.

Settling in

I've been in San Antonio since September 27 so just a few weeks now. Splitting time between Austin and SA due to job commitments and trying to get my house ready to be sold is taking its toll. Yes I have Stacy but he can't come to Austin to help cause the dogs are now in SA and need care and we have 17 year old Melissa in SA not to be left alone yet. 

On the Austin end it's tough trying to do the repair and fix it stuff alone with the limited time. And when I'm in the area I need to get hours in at the library. Just not enough time. 20 hours a week in Liberty Hill whether physically or via computer. 

I also work 19 hours a week at Palo Alto College as a reference librarian. BORING!!!!  I'm working so below my potential that I'm practically sleep walking when I'm there. I've also found out that the job will remain 19 hours a week for as long as I will stay and some of the ppl have been there 5 years. I need full time so job search is still on. 

Life is good but very stressful. Moving in together is a huge stress. Selling a house is a huge stress. This entire job situation is incredibly stressful. Stacy and I keep saying that making it through all of this means we can make it through anything. 

Oh, add in the commuting issue to Austin area. And the monetary burden of decreased income and two house payments. Stacy's brother used to rent part of his house so rental income is gone as I'm there but I bring the extra mortgage. Sigh. Need to sell my house fast and get me a wife to take care is some of this stuff!!  

I just keep moving forward and trust all will move fast once house is on the market. Just need to eek out time and stress relief!  Keep looking to the exciting future, ONWARD!

Lazy days...

Monday morning, Stacy had a doctors appointment. I've got my coffee and my puppy and am snuggled back in bed, being lazy and completely enjoying it. 

It was wonderful to not have to drive to Austin Sunday night like I've had to for so many months now. San Antonio is home. Waking, seeing Stacy out the door, snuggling my puppy, just being here and knowing I won't make the trip to Austin til Friday makes me so happy. Majority of my time here now, settling into a new home and life. I'm feeling an even bigger push to live a life of mindfulness and contentment. 

This is what I want, my new life and our new family. Perfect. 

Drumroll please....

Talk about big life changes....here it is.  All out in the open all official like.

I'm getting married to Stacy Underwood....amazing man that came into my life via okcupid.com.  Yes, online dating and look what happened.  No wedding for a while, lots to accomplish before then.  Give it 6 months to a year.  Things to do.....

Secure a new job.  Oh wait!  Did that.  Well, a temporary part time job to start anyway. Hope to work it into full time as they need to hire the position just haven't yet.  Hope I"m the gem they've been waiting for.  It's at Palo Alto College in San Antonio which is part of the Alamo Colleges system.  Reference Librarian.

List house for sale.  Talking to Shane tomorrow to talk about listing and what I need to do then will bust my butt to get it done to list by start of October.  The market has been very hot here....hope it continues.

Last day full time at Liberty Hill will be end of September.  Starting October 1, I will continue on part time, working from home via computer and making the 1.5 hour trip weekly and staying a night or two. But end of September, Melissa, the dogs and I are San Antonio bound to stay.  All this while working part time at Palo Alto College too.  BUSY????

Move...soon as the house sells the furniture has to join me.

With all this, Stacy's brother lives upstairs in the house....he's moving to the back house so we can be in the main house.....upstairs instead of down in the guest area where Stacy's been living.  Probably around November will start painting and getting moved in to our space.

Whew.  Tired yet?  I don't even want to start thinking about the stuff to be done in my current house.....replace microwave, replace some baseboards, a door....carpet cleaning.  Positive outlook....it will all work and be wonderful.  Good things to look forward to!!!

Stepping out

Beautiful art. There are a number of these around the campus of Palo Alto College which is part of The Alamo Colleges system. Yes, Friday morning this is where I am for an interview. Part time. Temporary. Not words I'm fond of in looking for a job but.....they haven't advertised for the permanent replacement yet. Perhaps this could turn into a 'trial for hire'?  

I'm going to ask but bottom line is it gets me to the same town the man I'm gonna marry is in, I'm game to try. Yup you read that right. New town. Marriage. Huge changes. I'm taking a risk because I need to be in the area to really be in the job market. 

Now to cross fingers and toes and hope all goes well and I get offered the position.....or something better comes along. 

A new beginning.....

So, as I've mentioned, I am moving to San Antonio.  This is the man I'm in love with, Mr. John Stacy Underwood (goes by Stacy) that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.  We have a goal to have a beautiful rest of life together and to better ourselves doing it.  So.....goals have now been set.  November 8 is my drop dead date.  House will go on the market start of October (gotta do some repair, fix up etc).

Night of November 8 I move to live in San Antonio.  Oh, that includes Melissa too.  We've worked at fixing up the studio apartment she will live in that is inside the house.  She's all set.  Now our weekends are all about getting us settled there and him coming here to help me get the house ready.

If I don't have a job and the house hasn't sold by November 8 I will continue working in Liberty Hill....using the massive amounts of vacation I've built up.  I can come in at noon on Tuesdays, work late, stay at the house on Tuesday and Wednesday night and drive home at 4 pm on Thursday.  That gives me two nights away from home staying in the house that is for sale.  Use 1.5 - 2 days of vacation a week.  Full pay.  I have enough vacation to do that for at least a month and a half.  That gives me the rest of the time in SA to look for jobs and get the house ready.  It's a fall back anyway.

Major goal is San Antonio job.  Rough in this world where everything is online application only.  How do I really know they got my application?  If I can get in their face I can get the job.  But even phone calls disqualify you at most places.  Ugly world, I have to say this is one place I really don't like technology.

Anyway....was wandering through my blog and realized I don't have pics of Stacy in it really....and I like pics of Stacy :).  Oh.....I'm going to meet his mom on Sunday.  Must be serious.

Pumpkin Spice Muffins with Cream Cheese Filling

So yes, I'm addicted to Pinterest.  I pin lots of recipes to try.  Then I find myself going back and deleting a lot after I try them.  Thrilled to pieces when I find a good one, and have I got one for you.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins
. makes 24 muffins .

INGREDIENTS

filling:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1 cup confectioners sugar

muffin batter:
3 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp ground cloves
1 Tbsp plus 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
4 large eggs
2 cups sugar
2 cups pumpkin puree
1 1/4 cup vegetable oil

topping:
1/2 cup sugar
5 Tbsp flour
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
4 Tbsp cold butter, cut into pieces

DIRECTIONS

To prepare filling, combine the cream cheese and confectioners sugar in bowl and mix well til blended and smooth.  Transfer the mix to a piece of plastic wrap or wax paper and roll into a log approximately 1.5 inches diameter.  Reinforce roll with foil and chill til slightly firm. (I did over night).

For muffins, preheat oven to 350.  Line muffin tins with liners.  Combine flour, spices, baking soda and salt and set aside.  In bowl of electric mixer combine the eggs, sugar, pumpkin puree and oil.  Mix until well blended.  Slowly add in the dry ingredients, mixing until blended.

For topping, combine sugar, flour and cinnamon in a bowl and whisk to blend.  Add in the butter pieces and cut in using a pastry blender or two forks until the mixture is coarse and crumbly.

Assembling the muffins:  Fill each muffin liner with a small amount of batter, enough to cover the bottom.  Slice the log of cream cheese into 24 equal pieces and put one piece on top of batter in liner.  Divide remaining batter amount the muffin cups, covering cream cheese completely.  Sprinkle with the topping mix.

Bake for 20 minutes.

Java accoutrements

Today is September 1 and I'm chomping at the bit for fall and fall-like weather.  In Texas, that doesn't always mean a lot for quite a while, but I'm enjoying my "eats" file on Pinterest.  I found a recipe for Pumpkin Spice Creamer so......thought I'd see how hard it could be to make your own creamer, I was betting I didn't have to milk the cow so I could handle it.

Off to H-E-B to get all the things I needed (the heavy whipping cream) then back home, start cooking, put on a cup of java to brew.....kitchen smells wonderful.

Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer

ingredients:
1 cup milk (skim ok)
1 cup heavy whipping cream
4 Tbsp pumpkin puree
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
4 Tbsp Maple Syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla

directions:
In a medium saucepan, whisk together the milk, cream, pumpkin, maple syrup, pumpkin spice and cinnamon.  Heat on medium just until it begins to bubble around the edges.  Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla.  Strain through a fine mesh strainer or cheese cloth and refrigerate before using.
from deliciouslyorganic.net

It was quite easy to do, the hardest part was the straining....be patient.  Of course, I could NOT wait for it to be refrigerated before using, so I cheated and put some in my coffee.  Good!!!   I'm sure that tomorrow after the flavors have melded together, it is going to be even better.  I'll have to let you know how it goes....and I've found recipes for peppermint creamer......and more!!  

.....I've really missed cooking, time to get back to it!

Beauty is in the eye....

Gorgeous....natural beauty.  Color and composition of this hibiscus, breathtaking!  

We have two hibiscus in pots around the pool and the colors are unusual, to me.  Being in Hawaii when I was a kid, the hibiscus at my house were red.  So that is "normal" to me.  These I adore with the peach on the outer moving into a beautiful pink, to a deep magenta.  Then look at that stamen!  Greenish to yellow to orange.  LOVELY!!!

This flower made me want to wander the yard and neighborhood for beauties to photograph.  Be forewarned.

Puppy love....

My Cowboy was separated from his four brothers "too late" and has fear issues with other dogs I was once told.  When he is confronted with a new dog he barks barks barks.....I had a trainer who is extremely successful do a session with me once and the above was her deduction.  He's barking out of fear.  Though he's an incredibly social dog with people, he fails with dogs, though I think he wants to be.

When I brought him home at 4 months he stood barking and shaking at the greyhounds and eventually calmed down and accepted them.  He recently has had my daughters little dog to contend with.  When Becca moved home with her little Kira, we had a noisy day and Cowboy had to wear his muzzle again.  He finally got used to Kira and that little ball of energy would jump all over him, nipping his ears and legs.  As we observed, we thought he looked like he was playing so we took off his muzzle and stood back.

Cute as can be!  The two play so well together.....Kira often leaving Cowboy a slobbery mess, but happy.  He will plop down on his back and let her at his neck then turn and run after her, chasing all over.  I thin he's happy to have a "sister".

The Flash

I may get killed for this but I have to preserve it.  I'm kind of known for toys....for loving kid stuff.....for banana dancing.  Basically for not growing up all the way sometimes.  I like to play and have fun and be a kid.

This pic is Stacy and a couple friends he has known since he was a kid.  Literally.  One of them he's known since he was four years old.  I don't have anyone like that in my life except my family.  There are actually four friends that are quite close and grew up together, here are three.  Apparently two of them went to Dollar General or something and had stumbled across these masks.  Stacy went to visit them for the weekend and shortly after his arrival this picture showed up on my phone.  Geez.  My boyfriend isn't even a grown up.  Oh!  Wait!  That's perfect!!!

He told me they were "the flash" and I asked if they wore trench coats.  Not sure I want to know the answer to that one, except it's better than wearing tights.....maybe.

Later in the evening I get this picture....tease. 

I have a love affair with sugar free slurpees. Green?  Didn't know that one. KEY LIME CREAM. Yummmm, guess where I'm going tomorrow??

We are all somewhat screwy....

Isn't this the plain old truth. I've always wondered who "they" are that determine what "normal" is. Have always believed we are all a bit off-kilter, degree is just different. So what?  That's what makes life interesting and people special. If we were all the same?  BORING! 

I choose to not grow all the way up and I choose to play. To laugh and to look for the good in people. To cherish those special to me. And if I do that in my own damaged, off-kilter way?  Life is good!  

Frogger.....LIVE!

Stacy was out walking one morning and saw a little itty bitty toad trying to cross the road.  As Stacy said "it would have taken him two weeks the speed he was going."  He picked the frog up and carried him home to show me when I got to San Antonio.  He kept telling me this was something tiny, but I honestly didn't imagine how tiny.

Cute, huh?  Bout half the size of your little fingernail.  We had to get really close for these pics.

For a number of days he lived in a tupperware "bucket" with a forrest of grass.  Stacy kept him supplied with little insects to hunt and droplets of water.

Toady stayed with us a day after I arrived, then we let him go at the same spot he was picked up.....just outside the golf course.

You never know who is around the next corner....or at the end of the picnic table in this case....

One night Stacy and I went to Gruene, Texas to see The Chubby Knuckle Choir play.  While watching the band, we noticed there was a man at the front of the tables we were sitting at, singing along to the music, talking to the children of band members, and working with clay.  He had an incredible dog that resembled HANK THE COWDOG mounted on top of a beer bottle.  THAT was what caught my eye.

I figured the man must be a relative of the band or something and asked a friend (band wife) about the guy. She said they hadn't met him until this weekend but he was a follower of the band through his girlfriend.  She told me....."if you want to see what he's doing head over there cause at the end of the night he smashes it all up and its a ball of clay again."

So.....Sandy drags Stacy to see this artist.  We first introduced ourselves and started chatting.  Turns out Will (the artist) studied more formal art in his past.  He is from a smaller town just six miles south of New Braunfels.  His daughter has sold his art to pay for her tuition, in turn giving what would be his profit to a charity that is dear to his heart, thus winning his support.

Will is an artist....flamboyant, ready to talk and teach constantly.  He took my hand and started showing me how people see the hand but in reality how it is.....thumb sideways, not flat.  Pointing out lines and pads and putting what he saw into the hand he was making.  Yes.  THAT hand below.

A plastic drink cup he used to have wine in now held a person I thought.  Well, it was an embryo to be more precise....incredible.  Weird.  Disturbing.  Inventive.  Creative.  Breath-taking and inspiring. I think people's thoughts swing all over looking at these things.

I found them fascinating.  I like things a bit different, things that make you think.  Books and art.  Looking at this picture of the embryo, he noticed the foot was bent incorrectly and proceeded to make a "correct" one and pop it into Stacy's hand.

......and then there were the heads.  Not even upright, but I found them laying all over the table.  So....I propped them up and he made sure I noticed Sarah's and he pointed out how much she had learned and improved in just a day.  (Sarah is the daughter of my friend in the band and he's right....she's darn good and ended up finishing someone's horse head and doing some animals of her own.  Impressive girl!)

And below is Sarah and one of her creations.  An artist in a weekend.  What an opportunity for a kid.

What an awesome addition and pleasant surprise this was to the outing.  Will, singing away to great original tunes, sipping his wine and playing with clay.  Enjoying the hoards of people coming to talk and take pictures and just doing what was important and enjoyable to him.  He's found one of the great secrets in life.

Peter Frampton at the Majestic

July 24 brought Peter Frampton to the Majestic Theater in San Antonio.  Back in Marcxh or April or so, my favorite man asked me to the concert.  Of course, back then things were still pretty new and I thought he was brave asking me for a date a couple months or more away.  So I felt obligated to date him, til the concert at least......ok that was a JOKE.  I had already fallen in love with the guy and wasn't going to tell him that any time soon, and took comfort in the fact that he felt secure enough to commit to a date that far out.

Back in my senior year in high school, the FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE tour made its way through Honolulu and my bff Sharon and I went.  Who else went, not sure.  Age remember, 52 here and that was waaaay back in 1978 or 1979.  Frampton used to play on my little stereo, on an ALBUM....you know those grooved vinyl things that a needle had to run over.  Double album set.  Sharon and I draped over my bed.  Topic:  boys.  What else?  Specially with Sharon as a bestie!!  :)  

Second time around with Frampton....this time I'm with my new bestie, Stacy, and starting a beautiful new chapter in my life.  I'd never been into the Majestic and yes, it is Majestic.

Glare from the lights is bad, but at least got a bit of the look of the theater, although the website does it justice, not this.  These are just my satisfaction that I really was here.

 Little less glary and looking to side boxes.  What a great setting to watch a show in.  I'd love to come back for more concerts and stage shows.  Think I can pull the man along.

Kenny Wayne Sheppard opened the show for Frampton, a country rock guitar player and his band.  Best song was Black on Blue.  Rest.....ok, not my style and nothing stand out.

But then there was Frampton.  Boy have we all aged.  Bald on top, fringe of white hair.....hated when he looked like a little old man to me cause it reinforced how old I have gotten.  BUT MAN can he plan and perform.  Still sounds like the same young guy that rolled through town 25 years ago.  I'm sure in his head he is am I'm still no older than 29 and Stacy is 31.  

Yes, he played the Comes Alive songs.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and I fought to steady my lip.  Memories slammed into me and thoughts of Sharon ran through my head.  Wonder that she is still my friend all these 35 years later.  And yes, now as I sit here typing this....weeks later, tears again.  Ok, ok, it's an old person thing.  Sheesh.  It's valuing people and the precious memories and realizing that is all that counts.  

Frampton brought Steve Lukather out on stage, a friend for many many years, the 80s I believe he said. Lukather is formerly of Toto and played some incredible guitar with Peter.  

Peter Frampton, of all people, guitar player that he is.....could get away with playing some covers.  He did Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun which he covered on his 2006 instrumental album FINGERPRINTS.  He also slipped a very appropriate While My Guitar Gently Weeps into his ovation songs.  Peter recorded this Beatles song on his 2009 album NOW.  

During the ovations, Stacy made the comment that everyone was really dancing.  Then he laughed and said...."they are stretching!!!".  Well yea we were swaying and dancing and stretching or attempting to camouflage the stretches into something else, but yes, he was right on with this crowd!

The Majestic Theater was magical to me.  I'll be back for more.

What's going on.....

OK here it is.....here is what is going on in my life.  I know people wonder and speculate.  I haven't said a lot, because life is in limbo.  A good limbo.  But people have to have it figured out somewhat.

Yes, the man I'm involved with lives in San Antonio.  Yes, I spend a lot of time there.  Stacy was injured in a bad accident a while back and hadn't been cleared to drive so I've been doing the driving and heading to SA as often as I can.  Yes the relationship has progressed and gotten serious.  (Thank you online dating).

So here it is.....yes, I am going to move to San Antonio.  When?  That is the question.  If money was no object and I could just cut and run I'd be there already. But I need a job.  The logistics are frustrating sometimes but honestly?  They will work out.  We just have to all stay flexible.  On the SA end, Melissa and I will be moving in with Stacy at his "compound".  On the Liberty Hill/Leander end.....nothing has been said to this point because there is no job to go to.  Could be months.  God I hope not.  But I'm sure the Trustee President where I work has a clue....he's intimated as much asking how things are and if he should be concerned and has asked me to keep him updated.  As soon as I know SOMETHING I will update everyone.  But yes.....I do anticipate a huge life change as we combine our homes and lives.

My heart is in San Antonio and I hope to take my entire life there soon.  And once that ball begins rolling, soon will be S.O.O.N.

It's a beautiful day

Becca, Stacy and I each got up early in our different cities to witness the "supermoon" but the clouds prevented seeing it. Becca checked in via text (thanks for telling us abt this!). Seconds after my alarm went off at 630 Stacy called and we took our phones outside to scan the sky. A few too many clouds but a phenomenal morning. Stacy wandered down to the old fort Sam Houston gate, cell phone and coffee filling his hands, getting a morning stroll in. 

I ended up pruning roses and filling vases, watering tomatoes, picking up doggy-doo in the backyard. Now it's hammock time. Got fresh coffee, my book and my bestest buddy at my feet. Beautiful start to an amazing day. Only way it would be better is if I was in San Antonio in my hammock...

Summer Solstice

Summer Solstice....The solstice heralds the beginning of summer in the Northern Hemisphere. In 2013, the solstice falls on Friday, June 21.

Summer solstice brings to my mind....tree huggers, nature, rituals dancing around a tree, kumbaya....stuff along that line.  LOVE it honestly.  Birkenstock and free flowing dress wearing, long haired, dreadlocked, carefree people.  Expressing joy in the way preferred, no concern or judgement.  Peace, simplicity.  

I want those things.  Maybe I'm taking myself backwards, but I suppose age has to do with it?  As I get older, I just want what I want, the simple things.  Don't care what people think.  Give me the good stuff in life and the people that enjoy it with me.  

Support

I'm in heaven, I have support finally!  By that I mean someone that loves me and will be there for me, listen to me vent, hold me when I cry, and will interrupt my upset to say that he really wants me to know that he loves me very much....then tells me to go on with my tears or talking, he simply wanted me to hear that.

He will not allow drama into our home and lives and will talk with anyone to make that clear. If anyone bothers me he will stick up for me. 

He's here when I've had a long day playing boss or coordinating community events....to enter our peaceful haven and if needed, he will shelter me, make decisions and just let me melt into his lap while he does what he thinks is best when I feel I have no more decision-making capability. 

Beyond new and exciting, I found what I need. I only hope I can be for him, half of what he is for me. Friend. Confidante. Advisor. Lover. Soulmate. 

With you, Stacy, I'm free. Not afraid to talk and share and really be me. I know you love me and listen without judgement, and that is the most freeing and motivating thing. Looking forward to the day we are not splitting our time between two cities, already loving the home we are creating together. 

Frog Hill

So I left my last blog post with a little blurb that was running through my head about naming Stacy's house.  I've always been a fan of named houses.  When I lived in Virginia, I'd take my daughter to lacrosse games out by Winchester and traveling down the country roads, I was charmed to find all the houses had wonderful signs in front with the names of the house on them.  I've always wanted that.  I mentioned it to Stacy and he said that his house used to be called "the big house on Frog Hill".  Which is why he started collecting frogs.

Anyway....just had to put that little story down cause it's new to me.  I did a search for Frog Hill in San Antonio and came up with nothing so I think simply Frog Hill is great. BUT.....not my decision, just fascinates me.  Oh and that search brought me this awesome picture done by a man in the Netherlands using photoshop.  Thought it was pretty awesome!  Frog Hill indeed!!

Update

San Antonio this weekend, any surprise?  This weekend is going to be very different than others as Stacy is in a Rehab/Care/Therapy  Center.  Hate it, but he will walk again.  You just don't know what life holds. 

The part that seems so odd about this weekend.....I was so worried about Stacy, what prognosis is, the reality of his health, etc.  Seeing him, I feel better and look forward to many amazing years with him.  I feel even closer and more like this is right.  Every time I see him it's that way......but he's not at home with me.  I overstayed visiting hours and came home without him.  Wandering around the house still feels ok.  I still feel like I should be here, even though he isn't.  I've never been here without him though.  Right now I'm laying in his bed, alone.  On his side.  But it's ok.  Maybe it's that I'm bonding with the house, as he says.  It doesn't feel so much like I'm visiting.  I'm home.  Safe.  Even though he's not here right now.

Tomorrow going to get up and do some planting and water everything I've been working on, then head back to the Center to spend the day.  He's too young to be where he is, dealing with what he is, but he says those days of bigger, faster, better are over.  They have taken their toll.  Now it's on to a funfilled life, just done a bit different.  With the man I love, my adviser and confidante, my best friend.....creating our life, our way.  To find this at our age, treasured, priceless.

Exhausted now.....off to sleep.  I'm thinking we need to name this 1924 house.  It used to be a brothel, you know......

Restart, life is a series of.....

So things get to us, to me obviously based on my post yesterday. Hate that so much anxiety and frustration can result from people playing you.  Couple things need to happen.  I need to do all that I can to set boundaries and let those boundaries be very clear to those involved.  I need to also not let it get to me when things pass by those boundaries.  Set everything up in advance, everyone will know what to expect from me.  I need to for once in my life put me first.  I've never done that and if I'm going to be the best me I can and take care of others or help others, and enjoy life, I need to for ONCE in my life be first.

Soooo hard to swallow that idea.  I'm always last.  Mom orders her food based on what her child will eat and then mom eats what ever is left.  Give give give......take care of everyone.  That's the mantra we hear as women, as care takers, and some of us more profoundly than others.  Guilty.

So.....got that frustration out yesterday and no I didn't let it ruin the entire evening.  Dealt with and was done.  BUT....I am going to restart fresh again.  Again.  And again I'm sure.  I will continue screwing up and letting things get to me but I'm gonna try harder.  This is the impetus behind this whole zen, mindfulness thing for me.  It's an experience and will get better and more natural every day.

It is solved by walking.....

Ran across (and bought of course) this book in my wanderings this weekend.  Just starting it but really am enjoying it.  Life has dealt some crap and I wish I had this when so much was hitting me.  Of course, crap isn't done so it will be put to good use.  Going to employ it as I deal with Stacy's health issues.  Find a terrific man, THE man, the one I want and wham!  Poor love....we will get through it together.

But anyway, what hit me in this book is....
"Solvitur ambulando," which is Latin for "It is solved by walking."   St. Augustine.

LOVE IT!!!!  Of course not everything is solved by walking,  but some of it is.  Other things are refreshed, reorganized, shaken up a bit so that a new view is given.  Feelings of helplessness often become loosened and hope creeps in.  Walking changes perspective.

So journey on......though I have faltered lately in walking, no more.  I will schedule walking into my day and use it positively.

Love this from the ZenBuddhism website.....

"Zen is not a theory, an idea, or a piece of knowledge. It is not a belief, a dogma, or a religion..."

I'm learning about all these things: Buddhism, zen, mindfulness, reiki, chakras, feng shui, alternative  and holistic healing/medicine, juicing, self sufficiency, simplicity.  This is more my path....I was once a bible thumping Baptist and have to admit that yes, I'd like to believe there is a god.  Perhaps.  I just don't know.  But I do know that much of what I believed rather blindly and questioned.....led me down this path to seeking when no one could answer my questions sufficiently.  

The website goes on to say "but rather, it is a practical experience."  THAT I can get my head around and work on.  Life is an experience and I want to live it simply and without stress.  I want to enjoy this second half of my life and make it as beautiful as possible, letting go of the poisons and things that have colored the past.  Letting go of past ways.  Being open to change and beauty.  No regrets.  Seize the day.  Carpe Diem.  And supercalifragilistic.  

Zen Buddhism....what is it?

Many thanks to my brother, Steve, for "liking" this link in FB.  It showed up, I followed, and LOVE this.

ZEN BUDDHISM | What is Zen Buddhism? 

Peace inside

So, Stacy and I met and have had a road to travel due to some complications from a motorcycle accident he was in.  Just seems that at seven months later, everything is coming to a head.  Been rough the last few weeks, seems like something new each week.  Stacy is amazing, I'm the one that gets really down and frustrated.  Maybe he just puts on a good face in front of me.  Trying to stay positive but sometimes not so much.

Today I have a deep peace.  I'm content.  Yet I just found out that he's now in the hospital.  I will trust that these doctors will get to the bottom of this.  I will trust that this entire accident will resolve and things will come out favorably for him.  

How much the accident played into our meeting I have no clue, but somehow we were both at the right place and point in our lives an I'm choosing to believe all will resolve before too long and a beautiful life awaits us.  Never thought I could have someone in the hospital and be totally at peace.  Think I'm finding something in this dharma of the Buddha......

Thank you.....

I have not studied or read on Reiki yet, but just stumbling across this picture, I will.  I need this every morning.  It is so easy to fall into worry or be pulled into frustration or upset.  Sometimes I'm too close to the situation to see it clearly. I'm sure I do make excuses, specially inside my head.  I'm so thankful for people who will be honest and talk and still love.  Need more of that in my life.  I think it's time to pay a visit to Google and Half Price Books for research into Reiki.  

s.....thank you for still loving me....s

Help

I'm floundering again. So damn much on my plate and so fricking tired of dealing with everything. I need to gripe and bitch. I need someone to help and do some things for me. I hate owning a home alone. So much to do. 

No benefits at work and I desperately need to get eyes checked and am out of contacts. Tooth was bugging me a bit but I continue to ignore it. Haven't been to a dentist is four years. Need to get to regular doc for bloodwork and also annual girlie exam. Also colonoscopy I've put off two years. Need time and money and help. Sooo stressed and tired of coping by myself. 

Ok venting done. Gonna go cry myself to sleep. Heelllppp meeeee. 

Trust issues

So cliche, "I have trust issues".  I tend to trust people and then am stunned when I find that what they said wasn't the truth or that they were being conniving and devious.  I know people do it, but I still have troubles wrapping my head around it.  I want to trust.

But that deep trust of the one you truly love?  As I get to that spot of trusting with everything I have, I'm finding that I kind of sabotage myself.  I need to get past that.  Yes, I've been hurt deeply, but c'mon, who hasn't?  Is it fair to put what someone has done to you on someone else that has never done anything wrong to you?  Intellectually I know the answer to that.  However my girlie side is a pain in the butt sometimes.

Tonight Stacy made some comment and I couldn't remember saying what he was referring to or something like that.....and I made a sassy comment, "must be your other girlfriend".  He said...."no other girlfriend" and of course, that is exactly what I wanted to hear.  I like the reassurance, but why did I have to do it that way?  As if insinuating I don't trust him?  His comment to me was something along the line of "you have troubles trusting don't you?  Do you think it comes out in your humor?"  Ouch.  And yes, and yes. Point goes to Stacy.  Not that he was trying to stick it to me or score a point against me, but I simply mean.....I get it.  Really get it.  Thank you for your honesty and observations.  Truth is what I need more than anything and you give that to me.  Along with patience.

Am I digging or begging for more?  Is it simply reassurance that I need (and yes, reading Mars/Venus, women do need that reassurance often).  Why did I make that comment?  I do NOT want to sabotage this cause I found a pretty damn amazing man and we have a lot going for us.

Insecurities that I need to get past.  I'm 52 for christs sake, I found an amazing man at this stage of life, chances of doing that I believe are probably not super high, so why do I question it?  I think know we both realize we have something good and I definitely know we are both committed to working on it and that we want forever.  I suppose I want to cement that agreement.  Makes me nervous to ask for the conversation but suppose I will.  We have talked about it all but I suppose I want it purposely said.....that this is it, we will be committed to each other, end of story, fini, the end, now I lay me down to sleep.  POOF!  I don't want the out option.  Give me this man and throw away the key.

I promise to be more secure in myself and simply love and enjoy life to the fullest with this man.  You know what?  This just came to me writing this.  I've avoided the M word like the plague.....in fact, he had the idea that I wasn't really interested in marriage in my future. Nothing is further from the truth, I just don't want to seem overly eager or something I suppose.  But bottom line is, I want the commitment marriage brings and then some.  I don't want the option of divorce.  I want this to be it.  I want to promise to be vulnerable, honest and me.  Call me when I'm giving attitude.  I want it all pure.  I will venture out and put my vulnerabilities out there.  The "marriage penalty" is being explored.....marriage could put a financial hit on us in a few different ways.  So who knows?  If the promise, love etc is there what difference does it make?  IDK for me it's always been the fairy tale.  Can't explain well, but it just hit me that is part of it I suppose.

Regardless.....trust.  My issue.  NO MORE.  I will not put anything that has been done to me in the past on you in any way, shape or form.  There is nothing you have done that has broken my trust or even made me question it.  In fact, my dear sweet man.....you have been so open and so pure and so sharing with your life, that I KNOW I have no reason to do anything but trust you.  This is my open letter .... the ramblings inside my head ..... my thinking out loud to figure out WTH I'm really thinking.

So take THAT, trust issues of any sort.....jumping in feet first with no life preserver.  Let me prove that I can trust and love like you've never seen.

....dang it Stacy you really make me think about stuff.  xo

Better

So how does that happen?  That someone brings out the better things in you?  Or do they really?  Are the better things there just aching to get out and you just can't be yourself except with the right person/people?

Happiness, contentment.  Haven't known these in years and have been bitter in the past.  That is gone and I finally got to the point that I was ready for someone in my life.  Because with the RIGHT person, I'm better.  I'm not good alone.  Wrong person?  Bitch extraordinaire!  Right person?  Calm, relaxed, happy.

Way back about a year ago January, I figured I was ready to be involved with someone.  I wanted someone in my life.  I tried match.com and eventually okcupid.com.  Yea, the online dating meat market.  But where the heck is someone my age going to meet people when you live in the middle of redneck country Texas?

So yea, online dating.  WOW.  Men were still like 15 year old boys, or at least the ones I was running into.  About April I was more convinced than ever I was ready for someone.  I bought a frame that says "live, love, laugh" on it with spots for three pictures.  I was convinced that this would be my magnet and that I would be filling these picture slots up before too long.  I wanted that.

Come December, almost a year exactly from when I thought I was ready to meet someone, I saw a profile highlighted in the recent activity section of okcupid.com.  I liked the snippet I saw, opened the profile, probably went back to it three times and every time kept trying to give myself the nerve to message the guy.  I finally did, even though he lived in San Antonio.  But dang, his profile was awesome and I REALLY REALLY liked what I read and told him so and asked if it was worth chatting even with the distance.  For me it was worth the distance if he was as awesome as his profile was telling me.  He read my profile and responded like I did.....and we met at Chili's midway between our homes.  A month of middle ground meetings and I finally quit dragging my feet and took the leap to spend a weekend at one of our homes.

That was end of January.  Now middle of May.  This man is mine and he makes me a better person simply by being who he is and caring about me.  I suppose it's the comfort that I am loved and accepted and the one he wants to spend his life with that makes me a better me, more me, happy, free and content to be who I am.  Dating at this age was very different in that we talked reasonably, future, what can you put up with, here's my issues and what are yours?  Like my brother Steve said....."What????  Not rainbows and unicorns?  You did it right like we all should have the first time?"

So my life is going to make some big changes, our lives are.  We are going to combine our lives and make a home together and pursue forever.

I'm looking forward to filling up my picture frame....love that man.  He does bring me peace and I sleep much better when he is with me.  MINE.

Men are from Mars....Gotta Love 'em

So, who has read MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray?  I now think it should be required reading.  I hadn't read it but if you asked I would have said I had.  Guess that the title is just so stuck in my mind that I figured I must have read it.  Well....I got to Stacy's this weekend and walked in to find a stack of books with this note on it.....

Three or four out of the stack were Mars/Venus ones.  So, I had to start with the basic.  I sat by the pool reading and soon was laughing, stabbing my forefinger at the book saying YES! YES! YES!  (about how women think) and then wham!  I hit the how men think and gulped in air and went oh.my.god.  I have an idea why I've not been good at relationships.  Men don't think like I do.  Things that make me happy and I'd love, make them feel controlled and want to run.  WOW.  And recently I had done some of these things.

I asked Stacy if he'd read any of the books before and no, he hadn't, just knew the Mars/Venus books is an icon and he figured he'd had poor relationships in the past, he needed to figure it out.  I am still sitting here stunned that I was the perfect example for the book in things I'd recently said and done.  And his reaction?  Straight from the book and I was thinking, what the heck?  I finished the book in one sitting, realizing...everything is going to be awesome, what a tool we have.  I look back to my frustration, confusion and now understand. 

I'm sorry that I didn't have these tools before, I think this is a book I want to rub everyone's nose in and demand they read.  But Stacy had a couple good points.  First, he said, if he hadn't messed up in the past, we wouldn't be together today.  Excellent point and now we have a chance to do this right.  Other thing he said is that relationships take work. YES.  And we now are both open to using the tools we have, learning, change and working toward a future.  

By the way.....he loves me  <3       And yes, I'm totally over the top in love with him.  These tools are gonna get some good use.  Now, if you haven't read it, GET OFF YOUR FANNY AND DO SO, you will not be sorry, I promise.  I may even buy or send you a copy, it's that important to me to share.

Save the Earth

Austin has a single use bag ban that became effective in March of 2013.  You know, those flimsy little bags from WalMart or your local grocer?  Banned.  Gone.  Even single use paper as I understand.  You need to bring your own reuseables or be charged for a sturdier reusable bag.  LOVE THIS.   I'm in an Austin bedroom community I suppose you'd call it.  Doesn't effect us, but dang I wish it would.  I abide by it anyway.

Probably 20 years ago I bought some awesome bags and started using them, the girls as they were born and started growing up, were always mortified cause I was the weird one in line with my own bags.  My favorites are the string bags and my wonderful canvasy looking heavy duty totes.  BUT....I do have a wish list going.  So....Austin puts this ban on plastic shopping bags, but what about the flimsy plastic bags you put your veggies and fruits in?  Nope, not banned.  Weird huh?  Well, I for one am going to ban them in my own right and am looking to buy mesh bags to take to the store soon in their place.  Got a whole wish list going on what I'm going to purchase to help make my life greener.  My favorite place to get the bags?  Reuse it.

Nothing special about this post other than passing on resource links....and encouraging to use your own bags.  Oh, and a tip.  Probably the most overlooked thing I've picked up in talking to people who use their own bags.....don't forget to toss them in the washing machine.  Think about it if you don't......meat leaks, veggies, bacteria, heat of sitting in the car....'nuff said.

My tranquil oasis

Love traveling, but it's always wonderful to come back to my home.  My backyard is my oasis, specifically  when I'm in my hammock, dogs on the ground under it or standing by it nudging me.  Having said that....when I'm at Stacy's I don't feel like I'm traveling and out of sorts, I'm with my favorite person.  It's the other times that coming home is so cleansing and I can't wait to get to my hammock.  Even when it's cool out, I'll head to my spot with a quilt, pillow, and a book.  It's pretty much guaranteed I'm going to nod off....I always feel so safe and peaceful.

....by the way, check the Vagabond tab, I keep my travels there and recently I was in Fort Worth.

Floundering

Boy is that quote me.  My constant frustration is that I'm alone and no one cares enough.  What is right up there.  Self torture I suppose.  All I've ever wanted is to be a priority to someone and I hope I have that some day.

Tired of life being in limbo.  I need to do something.  Need out of my dead end job.  Need health benefits.  Need benefits period.  Need to move to different area and get Melissa in a better situation, away from past and near a bus line so she can get a job and get to and from to earn money for a car.

What the heck do I do?  Not a clue.  Nada.  Have someone in my life but not a clue where I stand.  Do I just say the hell with it and make changes in my life and move to wherever the jobs are regardless if they are near or far?  I have no direction, no clue.  Am I a friend with benefits?  I think it's beyond that but .....

Feeling very old and like my life has no direction.  It needs change fast.  Too much time alone, too much time with no adult conversation and this is the result.  I think too much.  However I'm not a kid with the world ahead of me.  Tired of plodding along.  What do i do?

Edited in morning. Too much time alone does bad things to me. I get away from the center and don't live now. Yea I want direction and more than anything I want my dreams and the fairy tale to come true. Time is what is needed. I get so discontent cause no one special to assure me they love me or to hide in when I need that. Perhaps someday. I will survive. No choice.

Another to save....LOOKING FOR ALASKA

Yes, another video/slideshow I did.  Again, to keep for the future.  I started doing these for this particular project when I was working on my Masters in Library Science.  Project was to create book trailers, so I used the wonderful book LOOKING FOR ALASKA by John Green and created this.

Funny thing is, I used Melissa as my model when I needed to.  She hadn't read the book though I encouraged her to often.  Probably 2 years after this video was made, she kept hearing about the book, kids raving about it and FINALLY read it and loved it.  Led her to read other books by John Green.  He writes for young adults and is one of the best out there in my opinion, though his covers are extremely lacking in visual appeal.  And YES.....people do judge books by the covers unfortunately.

To keep for posterity

Make your own photo slideshow at Animoto.

Yes, this is from a few years ago at Christmas, but I'm finding that my blog is a repository of things I want to keep.  A scrapbook since I no longer make the physical type.  And this is something I don't want to lose.  Need to do more of this though....