21 years

 I know she's an adult and know 21 years have passed but the day after her 21st birthday leaves me choked up and with tears threatening. 

I'm so proud of my girl. We went through some very very difficult times where I thought we wouldn't recover. Often not sure we would all make it. Yet she's turned into an incredible young lady that I'm very proud of. The demons she's conquered and things she's done to take control of her life sometimes leave me speechless. She's brave, fearless, and oh-so-strong. When she was very young her strong will made me think she'd be a very independent thinker. Then the teen years and I figured I had been wrong. Fast forward and in the last few years that strong willed, independent thinker is back with her own beliefs and no one telling her what to think. That's my girl. 

This is Becca with her first "legal" drink, a watermelon sangria. 

I miss my baby, the little girl I could hold, kiss and cuddle. I miss being able to touch her any time I want and not having her pull away. I miss smothering her little sweetness in kisses. She will always be my baby in my heart, yet it carries a touch of bittersweet.

...gentle reminders...

In my desire to be more selfish and put myself first, I've not been very successful. Old, lifelong habits are hard to break. This is simply me, putting in writing and hopefully getting through to myself because it takes longer, that this needs to be priority. Do things that make me happier and I will be a better spouse, boss, mom. 

I love my home. Creating a yard that I enjoy is a big part of that for me. Cooler weather is coming. Someday. Although next week they say it will hit 99. October in Texas. Yikes. With cooler weather in mind I decided to pop some things in the ground and start rescreening in anticipation of beautiful breezes and incredible views out the front windows. 

Here is the start. Definitely need to do more of this because it's good for my soul. 

Sibling reunion flight day

My sweet husband posted this pic on Facebook with the comment as noted. He is the most gentle, loving soul.

My journey is starting. The last time all my brothers and sisters and I have been all together was 29 years ago when Mom died. This is going to be so special. Two flights to get to California. Then Steve and Sally are picking me up at airport. Pics to come!

....life change

This is MY time.  I'm choosing to put myself first, to be selfish, that it is all about ME.  I've always put everyone else first, at the risk of hurting myself, my feelings and my health.  I've done my time, my good deeds, served on committees, raised children.  Now I will be first and I hope it's not too late.

I will say no if I don't feel something is best for me.  No explanation necessary.  I will eat healthier, consume more water, sleep more.  I will work my body, whether it be walking or weights or stretching.  I long to do tai chi chih with my husband.  I will meditate and learn to live NOW.  

I will pursue mindfulness and simplicity.  I will only have things in my life that spark joy.  I will NOT tolerate toxic people in my life.  I have choices and will exercise them to the betterment of myself.  

I choose content, NOW, peace, appreciation.  I have started by choosing a husband that is headed this way, that is open to new ideas, that feels the energy of the world.  My chore now is to let go of restraints and join him in our journey.  

Thank you, Stacy, for entering my life and introducing me to the beauty of 20 minutes of sunshine and meditation daily.  

Enough already

I'm not a bank. For money or emotional support. For anything. 

Life is so full of bad news lately that I can hardly take it. Everyone has crap. Mine is health fears for my husband. My oldest just dealt with a former boyfriend stalking her to the point he is now in jail facing a felony charge, talk about fear and stress. Mom takes on the sheriff in a battle of words asking when they will take this seriously...when I plan a funeral? My youngest relapsing, again and disappearing. Fears that she's going to be homeless, and I need to shut off her phone and take car away because I'm enabling. Talk about rip a moms heart out. 

I just can't take more. My tolerance is at an all time low. My caustic side is appearing and I don't like it.  My husband is getting the fall out and that simply makes me cry because he does not deserve it, gentle soul that he is. 

Quite simply, I'm sick of life. Grow up, take responsibility. Leave me the F-alone. I'd like some happiness and peace. My empathy is gone. Where is empathy for me?  Is it any wonder I don't take care of myself?  Here it is folks....ENOUGH. It is time for my health and needs to come first. This is the first time in 54 years, but I'm going to take a stand for once. I deserve happiness and peace. I do not have to answer the phone. If I want to disappear from texts, Facebook, the phone lines....I AM GOING TO. Most important?  You will all survive and perhaps think. You don't need to call me and rain on my parade. 

Ok my whine is over. Just remember, you have a choice. 

Texas Library Association Annual Convention

It has begun.  The largest library convention in the US, which just happens to be in Texas and the one that I attend.  It's always an incredible week as all the vendors and all the authors want to be at THIS convention.  Originally, Stacy was going to come with me, but the reality is that I work from 8 am - 6 p and then after convention is done for the day I need to answer emails and take care of work stuff.  Add that we just bought a house and we will move in three weeks.....well, seemed better he stay at home and work on packing, organizing and the like.  So there he is and here I am.

Today I had a preconference meeting on book mending and repair.  Tonight is an opening reception in the exhibit hall that I"m skipping since I waited 45 minutes for the shuttle and it hadn't come yet.  I was going to miss the majority of the event so decided I'll skip it at this point and eat dinner in the hotel restaurant.  Here I am!  Sitting all by my lonesome in a booth directly in the line of sight of EVERYONE that walks in.  Not the seculded little back booth I'd asked for.  Guess who HATES dining alone?  Yup.  So my computer is keeping me company.  Work emails, business letters and this blog.  Don't know if I look like a pitiful lonely spinster librarian or a high powered executive that is earning shiploads of money.  Guess the glasses, the hair up and the convention badge lend toward the first....

Our house....

I always loved the CSN song Our House and now Stacy and I can say "our house" and mean it.  We bought a house together on Monday.  For our new life.  This is just what I needed to feel part of San Antonio.  Right now, I'm living in the house Stacy has had for 24 years.

It's very hard to feel at home and like you aren't in transition when it's not "your house".  I've had to fit into what already existed and live in a house that wasn't my choice, nothing I'd pick.  Becoming a couple really seems real when you create something that is new to both of you.  This is what I'm looking forward to.

So much, so fast

Be careful what you ask for.....

Stacy is a firm believer in the power of visualization.  I haven't grasped that entirely yet but I do know when I'm told "let's do...." to me it means "GO!"  Things tend to happen fast when I'm put on them.

In Decembere Stacy threw out the "let's move closer to your job since I'm retired and we are starting a new life."  Words I never thought I'd hear as I know how much his house has meant to him.  Nothing I pursued, figured in time.....plus we had a wedding we were planning and a child at home still.

Life keeps changing, child moves out, we get married, I get promoted to director.  That last means that any alarm that goes off or any issue....guess who gets called and needs to get in?  30 minute commute, minimum.

Stacy's shoulder has been an issue for 2.5 years since his motorcycle accident and he has already had two surgeries, he's been convinced things are still wrong and is pursuing a third as the muscle seems to have been cut and healed wrong, bones, not setting in place right and the biggie is the constant pain.  Big pain.

One week ago....Stacy says "GO!" to me on house and he's in middle of doc stuff, CT scans, tests etc for his shoulder.  I issue the warning.....it could happen you know....

This house is a mess, not level, old, lots of miscellaneous things to do to make it sellable.  Lots.  And even then it would need to be a special buyer.  Talk to the agent.....21 days before we put on market so we can get things done, etc, and "oh by the way, here's the name of an investor we know you might want to contact for us as he could be interested in buying our house."

Next day....investor looks and makes an offer.  Yup.  Not listed, house is sold.  21 day closing.  Rent back for 30 days.  ZOOOM!!!!

Tonight I do prequalification paperwork and Monday we look for a new home.  Better start visualizing what we want.....

Ahaha...!!!

This simply makes me howl with laughter. Just had to save it somewhere. Honestly, I've been surprised at the number of men who've told me that librarian conjures up a sexy image. Guess this is one??

All spur fans wonder....WWKD??

What will Kawhi Do?

The San Antonio Spurs were the champs last year, Kawhi Leonard earning MVP.  Though he's only been with the Spurs three years, it sure seems this last year he's come into his own.  We've all enjoyed his spots in the HEB ads with the Big Three, this year adding Patty Mills to that lineup.  But most important, Kawhi's skills on the court have just blossomed incredibly  He's become comfortable with his role on the team and currently holds top spot on steals per game at 2.2 as of this writing.

Die hard Spurs fans know that the Big Three (Duncan, Parker and Ginobili) have been together YEARS and have taken cuts in pay and playing time to build a team.  The Spurs sport a team of many great players and a deep bench.  Pop's coaching and Holt's ownership lead the team to a modest overall image....not one BIG name that IS the team, but MANY names with great skills and spreading the money so that the team is deep. That means that sometimes these great players that could earn so much more elsewhere will not set some records because they do not play as much as someone like LeBron.

Less money per year, less playing time as one doesn't hog the limelight, GREAT team building and morale. Fans that are incredibly dedicated and love the entire team.

This is why many are talking.  Kawhi is HUGE.  Making incredible plays.  He will be a free agent at end of year.  Will he go for a team that will offer him mega bucks?  He's going to be very sought after.  Or....will he show Spurs mentality and take a less to maintain the incredibly well rounded team?  The team that doesn't depend on ONE man, the team whose performance doesn't depend if one man is well or injured?  Can Tim, Tony and Manu have influence on him to stay? Will money talk?

Personally I hope Kawhi stays a Spur, but he's young and I'm afraid he will go for the allure of money.  Time will tell.

And.....again!

Life is a journey and I seem to not be able to record it well, although my intentions are good.  Our last big news was that Stacy and I got married.  We are almost three months into this and are looking to sell the house we are in.  Mid December, before I knew I was going to be Director of the library in January....Stacy said something like....."I'm retired, we're starting a new life, let's move closer to your work."  WOW!  Unexpected.

Today we started prep to JUMP!  Met with a great realtor and will be getting this house in order for a major life stress.  Add that Stacy is potentially undergoing his third shoulder surgery for the injury almost 2.5 years ago before we met.  Can we ask for more on our plates?? What's that?  Oh yea, I just started in a new position and am dealing with lots of changes, opposition to change, challenges, hiring, enforcing the employee handbook.  But it's fun.  And still stress.  I'm hoping to get better at this writing and recording my life, for posterity's sake anyway.  

One thing I always look for is a picture that really "hits" me and this one I adore.  Wish I had this kind of talent.  Buckle up for the journey is starting.....

Image credit: http://flyingshoesstudio.blogspot.com/2012/10/journey.html