...half full....half empty....deep sigh.....

.....been in a blah mood lately, not quite sure why.  had a wonderful vacation, but it did get long.  since i got back i'm not sure what it is that is hitting me, perhaps the whole wrap up the old year and ring in the new.  i'm not a huge resolution person.  i mean, i make them in a sense, but in a round about way.  i always feel the new year is a time of new beginnings so that is when i set my goals for the year, pick a "theme" for my year, something to move toward......

.....guess it's cause i just don't feel any direction right now that i'm kind of blah-ed out.  the tears seem to always be right at the edge and i'm not sure what is going to tip them over.  i don't think i was made to be alone.  i feel bad griping about it because i have friends who are alone and have been for years but it's something that i ache over.  i mean,  can do it just fine and have.  i just seem to be a better me with someone....someone to love, care for, sink into and disappear inside when it gets too much.  i want to be someone's priority.  i want to create a nest of coziness and love to hibernate in.....

.....two days left to work on budget and those goals for the new year and when they are done, the goals will appear here.....too many sighs lately.....

Vacation....all I ever dreamed of

Sitting in the San Jose Airport, through security and only set off the beepers cause of the new necklace I'm sporting, courtesy of my niece Lisa.  Actually have free WiFi, unlike Austin where all I could find was Tmobile for 7.99 for a day pass.  Can't wait to get home.  Reading through Becca and Melissa's facebook pages and sitting here crying.  I miss them.

Vacation was great....at times absolutely awesome, beyond my dreams.  But it got long.  I need to learn to schedule less time and leave while things are at a peak.  Probably the best part of a vacation, for me anyway, is that it really instills in me a love of my home, where ever that may be.  My little place, fixed up so that anyone that knows me knows this is mine.  My comforts, my loves.  And yes, my daughters' messy messy rooms.  I long to open Becca's door and see her clothes all over the floor....sounds silly maybe but it's comforting.

Highlights of this vacation?  Monday, hands down.  Christmas Eve.  I love you all.

Glory

My sweet Glory - in the front.  She was born Its J Sirius on April 21, 2000.....sire Its Aclevercatch dam KC Dark Star.  Came to us in April 2004 as a foster and by the end of an hour it was clear I had failed fostering.  Died today....December 18, 2010.  She was almost 11 years old, good for a greyhound.

When she arrived, she was very afraid, growling if we tried to get near her on her bed.  We used to say that she thought we were going to cook her up and eat her, she was so growly.  We called her our girrrrrrl.  After about two years she relaxed and eventually lost all her reservations.  She'd come nudge me and run back and forth to her bed, not relaxing til I came and lay down and snuggled her.  Far cry from the girl she used to be.

She's a true rescue story....coming from what I believe was not the best situation, bounced a couple of homes til she found us....she was being saved for us I truly believe.  Today she joins her brother Blaze at the rainbow bridge where they can run together, pain free .

Grinch here

Ok, so all you well meaning people celebrating Christmas, I'm tired of hearing about all the decorations, how difficult it was getting them up....baking cookies and candies....all the excitement.  I have none of it and you have no idea how old it gets to sit here and smile and go along with everything acting like everything is ok when your entire world has fallen apart.  When there is no one to care about you and make you number one, their priority....ever.  When there is no physical touch of kindness and concern.  When your tears scare people away and there is no one to hold you.

I want what you have, at least a part of it.  A reason to be, to live, to celebrate.  This season just slams home the lack of anything.  What is it all for?  There's no one to share it with, no one who cares.

Stop wishing me merry christmas.  I'm not even sure I believe in christ so I'm not celebrating.

....and over a week later, i still feel the same way.  sorry.....

.....and don't you DARE  come back with "I care about you."  Yes, you do.  But there's not one person out there that cares enough to put me first, make me a priority.  Ever.  For anything.

So emotional.....

My sister Sally is left and two of her kids, Lisa and Trevor.  I'm going to hop a plane in two days and head out to see them.  Just thinking about it starts me crying.  I'm such an emotional wreck any more.  People are all that matter and to see her kids all grown up is so amazingly exciting.  I'm looking forward to meeting the people they've become.  It's been way too long, but I'm not going to let that happen again.  More frequent travel is in my future.

Hometown

Definition of HOMETOWN

: the city or town where one was born or grew up; also : the place of one's principal residence 

Facebook has me thinking.  I was born in Germany.  From about 2 - 11 lived in Alexandria, Virginia.  From 11 - 18 lived in Kailua, Hawaii.  BUT - lived in the SF Bay are longer than anywhere I've ever lived in my life and that's where I'd go back if the world spit me out, my family lives in California (except one sister). 

My question is....where is my hometown?  If people ask that or where I'm from....I get tired of the "oh, well I've lived all over the world......" then it becomes this big thing.  I wish it was simple....

Look what I got for Christmas....

Well look at that....it's a nook under my tree.  Jumping on a plane, have a layover, return trip, been contemplating one.  As someone said to me....."so, how many books are you going to have to carry on your trip in your ONE SUITCASE???"  Point taken.  Result to right.

Looking for Alaska book trailer created for TWU course