Restart, life is a series of.....

So things get to us, to me obviously based on my post yesterday. Hate that so much anxiety and frustration can result from people playing you.  Couple things need to happen.  I need to do all that I can to set boundaries and let those boundaries be very clear to those involved.  I need to also not let it get to me when things pass by those boundaries.  Set everything up in advance, everyone will know what to expect from me.  I need to for once in my life put me first.  I've never done that and if I'm going to be the best me I can and take care of others or help others, and enjoy life, I need to for ONCE in my life be first.

Soooo hard to swallow that idea.  I'm always last.  Mom orders her food based on what her child will eat and then mom eats what ever is left.  Give give give......take care of everyone.  That's the mantra we hear as women, as care takers, and some of us more profoundly than others.  Guilty.

So.....got that frustration out yesterday and no I didn't let it ruin the entire evening.  Dealt with and was done.  BUT....I am going to restart fresh again.  Again.  And again I'm sure.  I will continue screwing up and letting things get to me but I'm gonna try harder.  This is the impetus behind this whole zen, mindfulness thing for me.  It's an experience and will get better and more natural every day.

It is solved by walking.....

Ran across (and bought of course) this book in my wanderings this weekend.  Just starting it but really am enjoying it.  Life has dealt some crap and I wish I had this when so much was hitting me.  Of course, crap isn't done so it will be put to good use.  Going to employ it as I deal with Stacy's health issues.  Find a terrific man, THE man, the one I want and wham!  Poor love....we will get through it together.

But anyway, what hit me in this book is....
"Solvitur ambulando," which is Latin for "It is solved by walking."   St. Augustine.

LOVE IT!!!!  Of course not everything is solved by walking,  but some of it is.  Other things are refreshed, reorganized, shaken up a bit so that a new view is given.  Feelings of helplessness often become loosened and hope creeps in.  Walking changes perspective.

So journey on......though I have faltered lately in walking, no more.  I will schedule walking into my day and use it positively.

Love this from the ZenBuddhism website.....

"Zen is not a theory, an idea, or a piece of knowledge. It is not a belief, a dogma, or a religion..."

I'm learning about all these things: Buddhism, zen, mindfulness, reiki, chakras, feng shui, alternative  and holistic healing/medicine, juicing, self sufficiency, simplicity.  This is more my path....I was once a bible thumping Baptist and have to admit that yes, I'd like to believe there is a god.  Perhaps.  I just don't know.  But I do know that much of what I believed rather blindly and questioned.....led me down this path to seeking when no one could answer my questions sufficiently.  

The website goes on to say "but rather, it is a practical experience."  THAT I can get my head around and work on.  Life is an experience and I want to live it simply and without stress.  I want to enjoy this second half of my life and make it as beautiful as possible, letting go of the poisons and things that have colored the past.  Letting go of past ways.  Being open to change and beauty.  No regrets.  Seize the day.  Carpe Diem.  And supercalifragilistic.  

Zen Buddhism....what is it?

Many thanks to my brother, Steve, for "liking" this link in FB.  It showed up, I followed, and LOVE this.

ZEN BUDDHISM | What is Zen Buddhism? 

Peace inside

So, Stacy and I met and have had a road to travel due to some complications from a motorcycle accident he was in.  Just seems that at seven months later, everything is coming to a head.  Been rough the last few weeks, seems like something new each week.  Stacy is amazing, I'm the one that gets really down and frustrated.  Maybe he just puts on a good face in front of me.  Trying to stay positive but sometimes not so much.

Today I have a deep peace.  I'm content.  Yet I just found out that he's now in the hospital.  I will trust that these doctors will get to the bottom of this.  I will trust that this entire accident will resolve and things will come out favorably for him.  

How much the accident played into our meeting I have no clue, but somehow we were both at the right place and point in our lives an I'm choosing to believe all will resolve before too long and a beautiful life awaits us.  Never thought I could have someone in the hospital and be totally at peace.  Think I'm finding something in this dharma of the Buddha......

Thank you.....

I have not studied or read on Reiki yet, but just stumbling across this picture, I will.  I need this every morning.  It is so easy to fall into worry or be pulled into frustration or upset.  Sometimes I'm too close to the situation to see it clearly. I'm sure I do make excuses, specially inside my head.  I'm so thankful for people who will be honest and talk and still love.  Need more of that in my life.  I think it's time to pay a visit to Google and Half Price Books for research into Reiki.  

s.....thank you for still loving me....s

Help

I'm floundering again. So damn much on my plate and so fricking tired of dealing with everything. I need to gripe and bitch. I need someone to help and do some things for me. I hate owning a home alone. So much to do. 

No benefits at work and I desperately need to get eyes checked and am out of contacts. Tooth was bugging me a bit but I continue to ignore it. Haven't been to a dentist is four years. Need to get to regular doc for bloodwork and also annual girlie exam. Also colonoscopy I've put off two years. Need time and money and help. Sooo stressed and tired of coping by myself. 

Ok venting done. Gonna go cry myself to sleep. Heelllppp meeeee. 

Trust issues

So cliche, "I have trust issues".  I tend to trust people and then am stunned when I find that what they said wasn't the truth or that they were being conniving and devious.  I know people do it, but I still have troubles wrapping my head around it.  I want to trust.

But that deep trust of the one you truly love?  As I get to that spot of trusting with everything I have, I'm finding that I kind of sabotage myself.  I need to get past that.  Yes, I've been hurt deeply, but c'mon, who hasn't?  Is it fair to put what someone has done to you on someone else that has never done anything wrong to you?  Intellectually I know the answer to that.  However my girlie side is a pain in the butt sometimes.

Tonight Stacy made some comment and I couldn't remember saying what he was referring to or something like that.....and I made a sassy comment, "must be your other girlfriend".  He said...."no other girlfriend" and of course, that is exactly what I wanted to hear.  I like the reassurance, but why did I have to do it that way?  As if insinuating I don't trust him?  His comment to me was something along the line of "you have troubles trusting don't you?  Do you think it comes out in your humor?"  Ouch.  And yes, and yes. Point goes to Stacy.  Not that he was trying to stick it to me or score a point against me, but I simply mean.....I get it.  Really get it.  Thank you for your honesty and observations.  Truth is what I need more than anything and you give that to me.  Along with patience.

Am I digging or begging for more?  Is it simply reassurance that I need (and yes, reading Mars/Venus, women do need that reassurance often).  Why did I make that comment?  I do NOT want to sabotage this cause I found a pretty damn amazing man and we have a lot going for us.

Insecurities that I need to get past.  I'm 52 for christs sake, I found an amazing man at this stage of life, chances of doing that I believe are probably not super high, so why do I question it?  I think know we both realize we have something good and I definitely know we are both committed to working on it and that we want forever.  I suppose I want to cement that agreement.  Makes me nervous to ask for the conversation but suppose I will.  We have talked about it all but I suppose I want it purposely said.....that this is it, we will be committed to each other, end of story, fini, the end, now I lay me down to sleep.  POOF!  I don't want the out option.  Give me this man and throw away the key.

I promise to be more secure in myself and simply love and enjoy life to the fullest with this man.  You know what?  This just came to me writing this.  I've avoided the M word like the plague.....in fact, he had the idea that I wasn't really interested in marriage in my future. Nothing is further from the truth, I just don't want to seem overly eager or something I suppose.  But bottom line is, I want the commitment marriage brings and then some.  I don't want the option of divorce.  I want this to be it.  I want to promise to be vulnerable, honest and me.  Call me when I'm giving attitude.  I want it all pure.  I will venture out and put my vulnerabilities out there.  The "marriage penalty" is being explored.....marriage could put a financial hit on us in a few different ways.  So who knows?  If the promise, love etc is there what difference does it make?  IDK for me it's always been the fairy tale.  Can't explain well, but it just hit me that is part of it I suppose.

Regardless.....trust.  My issue.  NO MORE.  I will not put anything that has been done to me in the past on you in any way, shape or form.  There is nothing you have done that has broken my trust or even made me question it.  In fact, my dear sweet man.....you have been so open and so pure and so sharing with your life, that I KNOW I have no reason to do anything but trust you.  This is my open letter .... the ramblings inside my head ..... my thinking out loud to figure out WTH I'm really thinking.

So take THAT, trust issues of any sort.....jumping in feet first with no life preserver.  Let me prove that I can trust and love like you've never seen.

....dang it Stacy you really make me think about stuff.  xo

Better

So how does that happen?  That someone brings out the better things in you?  Or do they really?  Are the better things there just aching to get out and you just can't be yourself except with the right person/people?

Happiness, contentment.  Haven't known these in years and have been bitter in the past.  That is gone and I finally got to the point that I was ready for someone in my life.  Because with the RIGHT person, I'm better.  I'm not good alone.  Wrong person?  Bitch extraordinaire!  Right person?  Calm, relaxed, happy.

Way back about a year ago January, I figured I was ready to be involved with someone.  I wanted someone in my life.  I tried match.com and eventually okcupid.com.  Yea, the online dating meat market.  But where the heck is someone my age going to meet people when you live in the middle of redneck country Texas?

So yea, online dating.  WOW.  Men were still like 15 year old boys, or at least the ones I was running into.  About April I was more convinced than ever I was ready for someone.  I bought a frame that says "live, love, laugh" on it with spots for three pictures.  I was convinced that this would be my magnet and that I would be filling these picture slots up before too long.  I wanted that.

Come December, almost a year exactly from when I thought I was ready to meet someone, I saw a profile highlighted in the recent activity section of okcupid.com.  I liked the snippet I saw, opened the profile, probably went back to it three times and every time kept trying to give myself the nerve to message the guy.  I finally did, even though he lived in San Antonio.  But dang, his profile was awesome and I REALLY REALLY liked what I read and told him so and asked if it was worth chatting even with the distance.  For me it was worth the distance if he was as awesome as his profile was telling me.  He read my profile and responded like I did.....and we met at Chili's midway between our homes.  A month of middle ground meetings and I finally quit dragging my feet and took the leap to spend a weekend at one of our homes.

That was end of January.  Now middle of May.  This man is mine and he makes me a better person simply by being who he is and caring about me.  I suppose it's the comfort that I am loved and accepted and the one he wants to spend his life with that makes me a better me, more me, happy, free and content to be who I am.  Dating at this age was very different in that we talked reasonably, future, what can you put up with, here's my issues and what are yours?  Like my brother Steve said....."What????  Not rainbows and unicorns?  You did it right like we all should have the first time?"

So my life is going to make some big changes, our lives are.  We are going to combine our lives and make a home together and pursue forever.

I'm looking forward to filling up my picture frame....love that man.  He does bring me peace and I sleep much better when he is with me.  MINE.

Men are from Mars....Gotta Love 'em

So, who has read MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray?  I now think it should be required reading.  I hadn't read it but if you asked I would have said I had.  Guess that the title is just so stuck in my mind that I figured I must have read it.  Well....I got to Stacy's this weekend and walked in to find a stack of books with this note on it.....

Three or four out of the stack were Mars/Venus ones.  So, I had to start with the basic.  I sat by the pool reading and soon was laughing, stabbing my forefinger at the book saying YES! YES! YES!  (about how women think) and then wham!  I hit the how men think and gulped in air and went oh.my.god.  I have an idea why I've not been good at relationships.  Men don't think like I do.  Things that make me happy and I'd love, make them feel controlled and want to run.  WOW.  And recently I had done some of these things.

I asked Stacy if he'd read any of the books before and no, he hadn't, just knew the Mars/Venus books is an icon and he figured he'd had poor relationships in the past, he needed to figure it out.  I am still sitting here stunned that I was the perfect example for the book in things I'd recently said and done.  And his reaction?  Straight from the book and I was thinking, what the heck?  I finished the book in one sitting, realizing...everything is going to be awesome, what a tool we have.  I look back to my frustration, confusion and now understand. 

I'm sorry that I didn't have these tools before, I think this is a book I want to rub everyone's nose in and demand they read.  But Stacy had a couple good points.  First, he said, if he hadn't messed up in the past, we wouldn't be together today.  Excellent point and now we have a chance to do this right.  Other thing he said is that relationships take work. YES.  And we now are both open to using the tools we have, learning, change and working toward a future.  

By the way.....he loves me  <3       And yes, I'm totally over the top in love with him.  These tools are gonna get some good use.  Now, if you haven't read it, GET OFF YOUR FANNY AND DO SO, you will not be sorry, I promise.  I may even buy or send you a copy, it's that important to me to share.

Save the Earth

Austin has a single use bag ban that became effective in March of 2013.  You know, those flimsy little bags from WalMart or your local grocer?  Banned.  Gone.  Even single use paper as I understand.  You need to bring your own reuseables or be charged for a sturdier reusable bag.  LOVE THIS.   I'm in an Austin bedroom community I suppose you'd call it.  Doesn't effect us, but dang I wish it would.  I abide by it anyway.

Probably 20 years ago I bought some awesome bags and started using them, the girls as they were born and started growing up, were always mortified cause I was the weird one in line with my own bags.  My favorites are the string bags and my wonderful canvasy looking heavy duty totes.  BUT....I do have a wish list going.  So....Austin puts this ban on plastic shopping bags, but what about the flimsy plastic bags you put your veggies and fruits in?  Nope, not banned.  Weird huh?  Well, I for one am going to ban them in my own right and am looking to buy mesh bags to take to the store soon in their place.  Got a whole wish list going on what I'm going to purchase to help make my life greener.  My favorite place to get the bags?  Reuse it.

Nothing special about this post other than passing on resource links....and encouraging to use your own bags.  Oh, and a tip.  Probably the most overlooked thing I've picked up in talking to people who use their own bags.....don't forget to toss them in the washing machine.  Think about it if you don't......meat leaks, veggies, bacteria, heat of sitting in the car....'nuff said.