Please leave me out

Everyone seems to love it and forget others don't celebrate or absolutely cringe when it comes around.  I'm the latter.  HATE christmas.  Yes all cap letters.  Sucks eggs cause only reinforces that I'm alone and have no purpose.  Logging.  May be back after it's gone......

Wild Abandon....

The words Wild Abandon ran through my head the other day,  not sure why, but I grabbed my iPhone and recorded them in my little notepad.  They struck a chord deep inside.

The definitions that speak to me are wild: not subject to restraint, indicative of strong passion.  Abandon: complete lack of inhibition or restraint.  To live with wild abandon, to live passionately, letting nothing inhibit you or restrain you.  Restrain your feelings, emotions, ability to feel and react.  To do things with passion and without self consciousness or inhibition.

These words are so strong to me, mean so much.  I want this in my life.  I've lived with so much restraint.  Done so much because it is "what you do" or what is expected of me.  NO MORE.  When I got divorced my mind cleared and I decided NO REGRETS was how I was going to live.  I believe that "living with wild abandon" is more precisely how I want to live.

Now.....to find someone to share that with if possible.....

Getting out and about.....

Last Sunday I went to Cirque du Soleil....which I've been going to for what....23 years now?  Waaaay back when, the big wigs stayed at the hotel I worked in when they came to San Jose and I coordinated their stay, so they handed me tickets to Cirque.....my mind thought....weird French-Canadian circus with no animals.  PASS!  Well thankfully I decided to take a friend and check it out.  Sunday I saw the 20th anniversary show of Saltimbanco and I saw it the first time around....yes, 20 years ago.  Scary huh?

Tonight I saw Trans Siberian Orchestra, my second time seeing them.  It was their debut of THE LOST CHRISTMAS.  The show was amazing.  Most incredible light show I've ever seen, check this out below.

 

The music phenomenal and they played my favorite, Wizards of Winter.  We had the best seats, very near us were the platforms that raise into the air with musicians on them, shoot fire....and probably other things I forgot!  Second time two musicians went up on the platforms they stood right in front of us about four feet, looking us in the eye.  Was incredible.  I will never miss their shows!

 

We are incredbily lucky to have Cedar Park Center so close.  My dream is that they put together series tickets....giving you seats at a number of different events.  Just looking for them to continue pulling in new shows.  Close, easy parking, what more can you ask for if the shows arrive?

Recording the changes......

This picture appeared in The Independent, the local LH newspaper recently.....shows (a bit) my weight loss but of course I'm wearing a HUGE sweatshirt.  I browsed through past pictures and just made myself sick seeing what I looked like before.....overweight, matronly.  Holy crap.  That was so not me, no wonder I never felt like myself.

I've grabbed the reins back and no more being everything else for everyone.  Me first.  I need to work out, walk, run, eat right.  I'm doing it.  Feeling much better about myself.  Going to look for better pics to post the change......I should post the before pictures but need to get the guts up.  Oh heck....will keep me where I am right?

Carpe diem!

Thankful for.....TODAY

On Facebook I have noticed a trend of people counting down toward Thanksgiving and listing why they are thankful.  What a great idea, I often don't do that enough.  So....even though it is November 5th and I tend to have a problem with blogging in any sort of regular manner, I decided to attempt a thankfulness log.

I am thankful for today.  TODAY, not tomorrow and all that it holds including the fact that the day will be incredibly long.  Not yesterday.  TODAY.  Learning to appreciate living in the moment, in the now.  Not anticipating what is to come and missing the now.  Not lamenting over the past and missing the now.  NOW.  This moment.  Today.  

.....note to self, it's not enough to proclaim this, you must actually practice it.......

Domain? Or not to domain?

Pondering, pondering.  I've been tossing about the idea of buying a domain name and then making personal email accounts.  Should I????  I use wordpress.org for work websites and have gotten pretty good with it.  There are some pretty cool plug ins that I can't use on my wordpress.com blog.  BUT....is it worth paying for?  Should I just stay with the constantly available from anywhere free gmail or live account and forsake any personalized email?  If I decide to let my website go, then I'm out my personalized email.  All these things run through my head constantly.

As I put them on paper, I'm not thinking, just STOP!  Stick with the freebies.  I love tech but I'm not the big tech guru as evidenced by my blog that doesn't get updated as much as it should.  I would love to keep a better record of what runs through my head.  Possibly in the future a domain name.  But for now I need to just create my landing page that has links to my daily places to visit.....found symbaloo recently and may use that. 

 .....sigh.....more decisions.  Gotta love ever changing tech!

Where I need to be....

Here we go again.......home owner issues.  A/C again.  Starting to really rethink owning a home.  Are the repair/replacement costs really worth the tax break?  When the girls are gone I'm starting to think I will live in a tiny apartment somewhere and get rid of the responsibility.  Not worth it.  I hate being a slave to my home.  I want to enjoy life and not worry constantly about a multi-thousand dollar A/C replacement, fence rebuilding.....I just can't afford the upkeep.  Big part of it is that my house is now 10 years old, so many of the things are needing replacement at this point.  The rest is that the kids are so hard on things.  The microwave handle is cracked....temper result.  Their bathroom has hair dye and burn marks on the sink vanity and on the door.  Doors with fist holes in them.  It all costs and not sure how it will get fixed to be able to sell it some day.  Just overwhelming.  I'm really starting to second guess this......on my own that is.  With someone it's easier.  Alone?  Sucks.

Where I'd rather be?  The beach more often.  Exploring Texas.  Having fun.

Rant/pity party done. 

Pancakes and booze in the future....

OK so I'm trying to get out and do things....see things, get my life back.  THIS is right up my alley.  Not that I am a fan of pancakes or booze, but it's very edgy....emerging artists display their work and create.  Bands plan.  Photos of past events held all around the US make me excited to be going.

Need more of this in my life....thank God I live in the Austin area, loads of great stuff....

Ch..ch...ch....changes.....

Tried on and off for years to lose weight, it truly does take a mindset, something clicking on in your brain to do it.  Well, and a pretty little pill called phentermine to jump start it. 

I'd gotten to my heaviest ever, dealing with being suddenly single, no health insurance, difficult to get due to borderline diabetes.  Unknown to me I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol as well.  Finally got insurance and doc wanted me working on weight.  Two years.....lose....excuses....finally he said enough, do it NOW and we are starting you with an appetite suppressant to get you moving.  That was start of March 2012.

One month and 20 pounds lighter, the motivation was great.  Still on lowest dose, I continued to lose.  It is now a full six months later, he still has me on a higher dosage to get the rest off....he gave me a goal of 10 more pounds to put me within my ideal weight range, a range I never thought I'd see again.  I"m three pounds into it, seven to go. 

Along the way.....shock, excitement, buy new clothes.  OOPS!  Everything I bought is too big one month later.  Not that I lost a lot during that month, five pounds, but it was like everything settled in and my body really started showing the change.  So....those size 10's that I just bought were too big.....out shopping again.  SHOCK!  Size 8 and 6 fit....depends on brand, cut.  Shirts?  Now having to buy a medium, the larges I just bought are hanging loose.

Today I'm feeling great, feel like ME again.  I have energy, I walk and feel like I'm trucking along at a fast clip, not gasping for air at all....probably could push it up even faster.  I no longer an on blood pressure medicine as my bp has maintained a respectable 118/80 for quite a while.  Cholesterol is inline with the exception of HDL's being a bit under the range they should be, the solution?  Increase exercise.  Weight lost to date?  43 pounds.  Size's lost?  Well, I started at a 14 or an XL woman's shirt, L in men's t-shirt.  Today I wear a 6/8 in pants, a medium in women's shirts and a medium in men's t-shirts.  My closet?  Rather empty and it will stay that way for a while as I continue losing the last few pounds and evaluate if I'm going to continue losing a bit more or what the status is. 

The biggest pay off?  Well besides the constant compliments on looking great, SHOPPING IS FUN!!!!  I've hated shopping for years because things didn't fit, I looked fat, whatever it may be.  But now the biggest challenge I face when shopping is of all the items I try on, of which 90 percent fit, what do I choose?  I've never had so many choices of things that fit.  It's nice being able to be picky.

I need to get whole body pics .... but I've been told the face shots are very evident that there was weight loss......yeeehawww!

Read this....so worth it.

I've been reading Zen Habits for a long time, off and on.  I'm at a point in my life where it is a daily thing as I've finally realized how full of wisdom it is.  I wish I'd lived my life like this years ago.  But.....no regrets.  Moving forward.  I read daily and go back through the blogs, read every thing.  Very wise man.  Focus.  Direction.  Simplicity.  Happiness.  I cannot recommend the blog Zen Habits highly enough.  Here's the most popular post:

 

Breathe.

Post written by Leo Babauta.

Breathe.

Breathing can transform your life.

If you feel stressed out and overwhelmed, breathe. It will calm you and release the tensions.

If you are worried about something coming up, or caught up in something that already happened, breathe. It will bring you back to the present.

If you are discouraged and have forgotten your purpose in life, breathe. It will remind you about how precious life is, and that each breath in this life is a gift you need to appreciate. Make the most of this gift.

If you have too many tasks to do, or are scattered during your workday, breathe. It will help bring you into focus, to concentrate on the most important task you need to be focusing on right now.

If you are spending time with someone you love, breathe. It will allow you to be present with that person, rather than thinking about work or other things you need to do.

If you are exercising, breathe. It will help you enjoy the exercise, and therefore stick with it for longer.

If you are moving too fast, breathe. It will remind you to slow down, and enjoy life more.
So breathe. And enjoy each moment of this life. They’re too fleeting and few to waste.

—

Tip: Put the word “Breathe” as a screensaver or desktop pic, or put it up as a note on your wall or fridge or on your desk. Then do it every time you see the word.

Posted: 07.05.2009

Capturing Becca

Love this photo....though not totally in focus, love that it captures Becca in what she truly loves.  This was at Pine Hill with her stable friends.  Cultivating those relationships, many with older women, is wonderful for Becca.  Tonite she baby sits for one of the lady's FIVE children.

Seeking....

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. 

Richard Bach