My tranquil oasis

Love traveling, but it's always wonderful to come back to my home.  My backyard is my oasis, specifically  when I'm in my hammock, dogs on the ground under it or standing by it nudging me.  Having said that....when I'm at Stacy's I don't feel like I'm traveling and out of sorts, I'm with my favorite person.  It's the other times that coming home is so cleansing and I can't wait to get to my hammock.  Even when it's cool out, I'll head to my spot with a quilt, pillow, and a book.  It's pretty much guaranteed I'm going to nod off....I always feel so safe and peaceful.

....by the way, check the Vagabond tab, I keep my travels there and recently I was in Fort Worth.

Floundering

Boy is that quote me.  My constant frustration is that I'm alone and no one cares enough.  What is right up there.  Self torture I suppose.  All I've ever wanted is to be a priority to someone and I hope I have that some day.

Tired of life being in limbo.  I need to do something.  Need out of my dead end job.  Need health benefits.  Need benefits period.  Need to move to different area and get Melissa in a better situation, away from past and near a bus line so she can get a job and get to and from to earn money for a car.

What the heck do I do?  Not a clue.  Nada.  Have someone in my life but not a clue where I stand.  Do I just say the hell with it and make changes in my life and move to wherever the jobs are regardless if they are near or far?  I have no direction, no clue.  Am I a friend with benefits?  I think it's beyond that but .....

Feeling very old and like my life has no direction.  It needs change fast.  Too much time alone, too much time with no adult conversation and this is the result.  I think too much.  However I'm not a kid with the world ahead of me.  Tired of plodding along.  What do i do?

Edited in morning. Too much time alone does bad things to me. I get away from the center and don't live now. Yea I want direction and more than anything I want my dreams and the fairy tale to come true. Time is what is needed. I get so discontent cause no one special to assure me they love me or to hide in when I need that. Perhaps someday. I will survive. No choice.

Another to save....LOOKING FOR ALASKA

Yes, another video/slideshow I did.  Again, to keep for the future.  I started doing these for this particular project when I was working on my Masters in Library Science.  Project was to create book trailers, so I used the wonderful book LOOKING FOR ALASKA by John Green and created this.

Funny thing is, I used Melissa as my model when I needed to.  She hadn't read the book though I encouraged her to often.  Probably 2 years after this video was made, she kept hearing about the book, kids raving about it and FINALLY read it and loved it.  Led her to read other books by John Green.  He writes for young adults and is one of the best out there in my opinion, though his covers are extremely lacking in visual appeal.  And YES.....people do judge books by the covers unfortunately.

To keep for posterity

Make your own photo slideshow at Animoto.

Yes, this is from a few years ago at Christmas, but I'm finding that my blog is a repository of things I want to keep.  A scrapbook since I no longer make the physical type.  And this is something I don't want to lose.  Need to do more of this though....

raw

i'm not good at restraint,

at editing myself, my feelings.

but i do

out of fear.

release is what i seek.

to be vulnerable, 

able to be ME, unashamed,

exposed.  pure ME

with you.

until then, bands constrict the chambers

of my heart

waiting to be set free.

all it takes is your word.

4.22.12 sjh

Define ..... irenic

Cool word I ran across today on the Believe. FB page.  Love collecting words, now just need to use it in a sentence without sounding like I'm trying too.....

But regardless, peace, contentment, joy, happiness.  Good things.  Trying to stay away from the negativity and the downers.  Yea it happens, but I'm doing my best to look to the good of all things cause it's too easy for me to fall into depression and being alone I take to my bed.  Not going there.  Peace.

Fiesta!

Took my daughter with me on a whirlwind 24 hour trip to San Antonio to get a "Stacy-fix".  We ended up parking, walking and exploring.  It happened to be the first weekend of FIESTA and we strolled along the Riverwalk  to get to Market Square.   You've got to read the Fiesta website to get an idea what this is, but even then, I think it eludes you.  Probably takes living her and experiencing it a bit to understand.

Anyway as I understand it's hispanic culture, a bit tongue in cheek humor, fun.  Think Mardi Gras hispanic style.  Bright colors everywhere, party city!  There are events for 10 days and MANY all over town.  Parades (plural), music galore.....I've only hit the tip of the iceberg.  Fiesta de los Reyes is what we experienced at Market Square.  CROWDS.  And with Stacy's shoulder/collarbone situation that made me nervous. 

10 days of wild celebration.  I missed the river parade but apparently it was televised so I'll be looking for it on the interwebz.  So much to see and do in San Antonio.....much more to come.

Another version

About six years ago or so I ran across this version of Ring of Fire (Johnny Cash).  It's stayed in my radar because for some reason it's a bit edgy and appeals to me.  Enjoy.

Easy peasy!!!

I don't do drama.  Things don't have to be complicated.  Looks pretty easy, huh?  (yea yea I see that wan't instead of want and yes my inner librarian is itching for the red pencil).

Book Spine Poetry

About a week ago I stumbled upon book spine poetry and am just flabbergasted.  How did this exist without me knowing???  I've saved some pics and I've made a few of my own and I'm going to issue a challenge, not just to our library members, but to everyone I know.  It will be......"the ongoing book spine poetry challenge" with no real end in sight.  I just want to be inspired, inspire and see what happens!  Here's what started me and a couple of my own.  And the challenge will be thrown out soon......

Mason Jars....

So, part of my "thing" .... this quest for mindfulness or whatever it is .... is that I like pure, natural things.

Things like 100 percent cotton sheets.  I prefer clothing to be cotton or linen or bamboo (yes I do have some bamboo socks).  I like the windows open and fresh air and will keep my air conditioner and heater off as long as humanly possible.  I prefer products made from natural materials (think rope, wood, metal, glass) and not composites or plastic or poly-something.

I guess my thinking goes back to the whole water bottle issue.  The reuse of disposable water bottles has caused so much debate.  The result became "BPA FREE bottles, designed to be reused."  DANG!!!  If the others weren't BPA free, does that mean I now have BPA in my body that left those bottles?  Or where did it go? Why were the plastics changed?  You get the idea.....we just don't know about what leeches out of plastic and what it does to us.  Add that in order to reuse bottles we put them in the dishwasher or if reusing the cute plastic container lunch meat comes in we put them in the microwave.  ACK!  Not really sure what I think about all that, it's kind of scary to start the thought process because it becomes a horror movie in my head.  So pure materials when I possibly can, in all things.

So.....my solution for the Tupperware/Rubbermaid monopoly.......is glass if possible.  Beautiful glass pitchers are made and very inexpensive to pick up at places like TJ Maxx.  For as little as $3.99 I've picked up some great ones.  My favorite all around all purpose container?  Made of glass no less.......the MASON JAR!!!!!  They are so inexpensive to buy, specially if you scavenge them from random garage sales or estate sales.  I just kind of open my mouth anytime I need anything (via Facebook often) and boom!  Right into my lap, free!

But mason jars are AWESOME and come in many sizes and can be used for so much.  Love the redneck Texas use as a drinking glass.  Nice and heavy, doesn't tip easily.  I often have my unsweetened iced tea in them, notice UN at the start you Texans.  They are great for getting stuff out of those offensive plastic packages and into safe glass (dried fruit, pasta, rice, wheat germ, flax seed......).  I use them in the fridge and cupboard.  You can even put a salad in one, and if you use salad dressing, just put that on the bottom, layering veggies then lettuce on top.....then, shake em up!!  By the way, follow that link I snuck in there.....awesome stuff!  Also.....crafting is just plain fun with mason jars.....check this pinterest board out, covers just about any use.  And there's good old Food in Jars.  Or Mason Jar Magic.

So anyway, the pinterest thing I love cause I'm visual and those pictures always get me.  I'm the one that wants restaurants to parade the food by so I can order by looking.  Go check out the pics and see why I love mason jars.  A picture speaks a thousand words.

need

crickets singing under the window

nestled under quilts as the cool night breeze stirs the air

thoughts of you bring peace

a hole deep in my core aches to be filled

by your presence

4.11.2013 sjh

Dance if you dare....

May I have this dance?  

The dance of a lifetime.

Heart overflowing.

Show the world that OUR dance is a lifetime.

Together.

4.10.13 sjh

Funk....

 ...boy am I in one. I don't do well alone and I've been alone for a long time now. Much longer than Ive been divorced.

Yes Melissa is here but not really. Not cool to hang with mom. It's the no adult to talk to for days on end that gets to me. I like my job but its a job. It's nothing I would have pursued I just kind of fell into it. So at work, talk is work. I get home and there's basically no talking. That's where I go nuts. My mind keeps thinking and everything gets to stay inside. Not healthy.

Grew up with brothers and sisters. Until 10 years ago always lived near family. I'm so isolated and nothing I can do about anything cause with the divorce and kids I have to stay here. Alone. Not talking with the words continuing to spin in my head. Kinda makes ya a bit nutso.

Gonna be a long couple weeks alone.

.....says the librarian

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”  ― Albert Einstein

Stacy and I were having a conversation tonight and he gave me this wonderful Einstein quote.  PERFECT, so me!  I feel like so much runs through my brain constantly, there is so much to do, know, and as a parent knows, schedules to keep.  I was lamenting that I can't keep stuff straight sometimes, don't ask me to give you the facts, those I can look up, it's the important changing things that I keep in my brain. And boom, out popped this quote.  Who knew Einstein and I were soul mates???

The ironic thing is that as a librarian, Google isn't good enough. I need the back up, the proofs.  I have this t-shirt even.  Google is a great starting point, but the internet is so much deeper than Google.  I'm the person that will debunk your cute/amazing post on FB the one that's almost unbelievable. I'll find the snopes, the original interviews, look up the books referred to and put it all back together and in perspective.  Any wonder that I'm intent on educating people that Wikipedia is NOT an accepted, cite-able resource?  I've proved it by editing the page they show me with some ridiculous obviously false piece of info and the look on their face is amazing.  OK I do have to say that people do the citations on Wikipedia leading to the sources and proofs, but again, ANYONE can go in and edit that site so please check the sources.

I'm with Einstein (who I must say is pretty darn good company)....Not gonna memorize the stuff I can look up.  And yea, more often than not, that is going to be Google....it's an awesome starting point and will often take me to my kind of proof.  Gotta love a man who knows an Einstein quote that is gonna excite me!

Finding warm fuzzies in the little things

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

Lifting this quote and pic from my brother's blog, brain damage.  It's just too true.  And things like this have been on my mind lately.  Simple things like tonight the man I'm seeing called and the first words I heard were "hi beautiful".  He's done that before, but MAN it makes me smile and my heart soar.  Simple act of kindness.  

Today I interviewed (and hired) a new employee and she was so kind and polite.  Young, perhaps 20 and when the interview was done and we were saying goodbye, her kindness (which I'd already commented on to her  mother in a prior conversation a week or so ago) popped out.  She stopped, stood right in front of me, looked me in the eye and just focused on me and thanked me for the interview and the job.  Her little attention to the detail of kindly acknowledging the entire process, even though it was an informal one, was an amazing kindness that we often don't see today. 

My ultimate simple act of kindness that just makes me get all fuzzy and smiley?  Pick up drinks at the drive through for my daughter and I, place them in the cup holders and hand the straws to her.  She then proceeds to unwrap my straw and put it in my drink.  That's it.  You didn't miss it, that small act of opening my straw and putting it in my drink is a HUGE kindness to me.  Me, the one that takes care of others and rejoices in it....to have someone share that simple take care of me kindness?  Major warm fuzzies.  

THOSE are the little simple things that mean caring to me.  Anyone can spout out grandiose intentions and not follow through or perhaps do follow through.  But it's the day to day caring that shows up in kindnesses .... these just send kisses to my nerve endings.

Yet another simple teeny tiny piece in the process of mindfulness I'm sure.  But again, it's a choice to see them and appreciate them and to me?  That's happiness, contentment and wonderful memories.

I love my big brother

Funny lately (yea the haha kind but also the *odd* kind too), I've spoken with both my brothers and, just as I'm in the midst of realizing that what I've been pursuing for about 20 years has it's own word...MINDFULNESS....I find that my brothers have dabbled around in this area somewhat.  Both have searched, questioned, read about.

Steve is seven years older than me and had a life changing stroke recently.  THANKFULLY it was a life changing stroke.  Some people go through something like that and bounce back and keep going, invincible as they think they are, not making changes.

I can only hope most people take the chance they've been given and appreciate things.  Change.  Search.  Realize that NOW is all that matters.  Don't beat yourself up over past behaviors or regrets, over not walking or eating too much.  Seriously, what good does that do right this moment?  DO SOMETHING NOW.  NOW. Change.  Don't worry about if you can maintain the change.  Worry about tomorrow or a week/month from now?  Why?  Doesn't help.  Learn, implement NOW.  Make the changes now...appreciate each movement, each little thing you can do, each little kindness extended.  Don't put off calling or talking to someone, or that I LOVE YOU.  Never.  NOW is the only time there is, the only time you have, that you are guaranteed.  Watch the butterflies, feel the wind across your skin and the sound of planes in the sky, traffic roaring past, ripples of water.

Look for the good, go forward with a positive attitude.  Dwelling on the negative is simply the ego.  So what?  Is it really that terribly poor me bad?  REALLY????  No.  Ask someone who just had a stroke.  Ask about the moment of the stroke, about realizing there is a fate worse than death (as my brother kindly learned and pointed out.)  Hearing that?  Completely cemented my resolve to live mindfully.

Absolutely, positively HATE HATE HATE that my brother had a stroke.  Can't change a thing about that though, can I?  But I can tell you that since then, I have been in contact much more often.  MUCH.  Years don't pass any more without communication and not just the printed/typed word.  Voice.  The I love you's.  Endearments.  Appreciate what you have, it can be so much worse.  Enjoy to the fullest.  Release negative thoughts, feelings and resentments.  There is ALWAYS a bright side or point, somewhere.  Look for it and learn from the situation. Be that glass half full person.

So....I'm seeing this guy that has me totally smitten right?  HUGE plus factor is that he's into this whole mindfulness thing even though I don't think he knew the word either.  It's the tai chi, chakra, Feng Shui studies, look for the positive, ditch that negative pissy attitude that I love.  He's consciously made an effort and like he says, some days it's a lot of work.

Personally, I think it's constant growth and learning and change.  There is so much information out there, my desire to learn about different cultures, practices, ways of doing things, concepts.....has grown tremendously.  There is no way I can keep this clear headed, pure "ish" path going without people to cling to and help along the way.  I've got that in Stacy.  Just talking about things we read in magazines, no judgement, being open to ideas and knowing we are looking toward a positive and NOW goal.  HUGE help.  Now.....I find that two in my family also have been searching and reading?  Omigosh!  I've got a family of crazies like me!  How cool is life?  We can all sit around drinking our tea, sniffing our incense and singing oohhhmmmsss to the sky.  OK so yea that was smart assy....but c'mon.  My FAMILY as well as the man I'm nuts about?  What could be better?

I've got people to bounce things off, learn with, share resources with.  I get way sidetracked (you KNOW what I'm talking about) surfing around the interwebs....do I remember all the cool sites and things I want to explore?  Nada.  Now....I have partners in the crime of NOW.....of peacefulness.  Betcha that I've had them all along, we all just didn't really know what we're searching for but I'm guessing it's peace and happiness and contentment or close to that.  Now, to find that kumbaya circle.....

By the way....I love my big brother....

.....from the blog of Dr. Ian Ellis-Jones, an awesome leader in mindfulness